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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 22:41:30 GMT
NOTE: THIS IS A RECONSTRUCTION OF A JOURNAL I KEPT AT OOTJ DURING THE YEAR OF 2023
I am very much of the mindset that you have to break a person down, destroy their masks, kill their preconceptions of the world and of themselves and strip away the walls that hide their insecurities before you can ever begin to rebuild them as functional Sith. And if one dedicates themself to this pursuit by taking on another, they also have to be willing, have the strength and stamina and patience, to do this constructively. They must be measured in their approach and stay with the person and help them rebuild. This means not getting triggered yourself as the master , having the power to dispell preconceived notions and never allowing your ego to get in the way. Its about accepting that there will be anger and failure in the rebuilding. This is the problem with most of the old guard Sith, they are more than willing to tear the individual down, but they do not have the follow through, the measured response, perseverance or personal power to be there for the rebuilding. As a result there are Sith such as I, that have had to rebuild myself. And the outcome of this is I will not abandon anyone that continues to try. If they are willing to interact with me I will do my best to impart knowledge, insight and deeper meaning as I myself gain self awareness and wisdom. The difference between myself and those old guard is that they love the tear down but have no idea how to rebuild. This is because they are broken themselves. This is the difference between a simple insecure bully that only feels good by belittling others to build themself up, and a confident Sith Master that builds strong warriors. This is what it means to be a Sith and I wish more sith in this community would get this. All the Sith have done is tear their community apart because of their own petty and short sited personalities. I want to change this and I have challenged others for a long time as i have built the example I want to convey. This is the progressive thinking that makes me a Sith Knight. ~ However, the title of "Knight" is taken by me only as a placeholder to be used in a community limited by its own prejuduce. My vision is a world without ranks, absent of hidden training you have to "Earn" like a dog and the bullies of the past - gone. I don't need your approval of my behaviour. That approval does not make the difference between being a Knight or not. I stand on my own, at the cutting edge of Sith philosophy and there I thrive.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 22:42:53 GMT
I have a tendency to believe I am self-aware when I am actually not. I believe this is true of most people. But I don’t want this for my life any longer. Pretending I am something I am not. My path forward is to be curious about who I am, let my walls down, evaluate my triggers toward both violent and passive feelings and display behavior that is seen as inclusive and not aggressive. I want to know how others see me. I am practicing active self-awareness.
For me self-awareness is recognizing and then managing my emotions. I have failed to recognize my emotional states in the past. I am an empath and being an empath leaves me vulnerable to narcissists that prey on me for their own emotional support. These relationships are a one way flow. The narcissist will never return the emotions and instead abuse and abandon the empath, leaving them empty and confused and angry and apologetic all at the same time. In this state the empath is setup to fall into a cyclic trauma bond with their abuser where the narcissist draws them in, drains them and then abandons them over and over.
I have been told I am broken. Mates have told me this, friends, even this online community. I have been conditioned to go into self-protection mode because the emotions are overwhelming for me as an empath. The myth that empaths are soft and gentle is not true. Because of their deep grasp of emotion the empath not only feels others emotions but they are incredibly effective at turning them into weapons against others. This has been my failing, not recognizing my own destructive power. ~
Moving forward I will be practicing looking at my own words and actions from a position outside of myself so that I may see me as others see me. I will practice introspection of myself without shutting out the world by bringing those elements into the process so I may get a different expanded perspective beyond just how I see myself.
For now to help, I am carrying a physical reminder with me at all times to help remind me to reflect, be patient and evaluate emotions before I act. I have a wheel of emotions to help me discover what I am feeling. I will never give up in my pursuit to know my strengths and weaknesses. I will entertain no preconceptions and I will be humble. Being strong in evaluating how the world works with this philosophy the cornerstone of my path.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 22:44:56 GMT
I have asked myself why I act out and get defensive and put up walls and act hostile to people. The obvious answer is that I’m not aware of the emotions I’m having that are driving such things. Realizing my empathic nature is a new thing for me. It has overwhelmed me much of my life and so I shut it down behind these mechanisms. It’s a defense so I don’t have to face it and deal with its overwhelming nature. I allow my dragon loose to do as she feels without thinking about anything else. But this is the easy way out. I don’t want to do the easy thing.
These tools of suppression are the perfect way to escape fear. If I perceive myself as invulnerable I begin to see myself as the source of fear. Being aggressive means not having to face my own emotions. In those moments I feel powerful and safe. It is a mask I wear to gain attention so I don’t feel so alone and I don’t have to face that fact that something inside is broken. It’s easy to project judgments onto others so I don’t have to self-evaluate my own flaws and feelings.
For me it’s not a matter of arrogance, although if I’m honest there is an element of that in my aggression at times. But it’s not my natural state. Arrogance covers up the insecurity. In reality I am not an evil person. As a Sith I believe the concept of evil is an imaginary social construct. And it’s not that I set out to be mean. In fact, in those moments, I truly believe that I am doing right. This is a core tenet of Sith philosophy. The villain is the enactor of change because she believes it’s for the best. If I am to be honest though, I lack the skill to use my empathy wisely in my communication. ~ I have been reading the book on communication. One thing mentioned is that people that are not self-aware do not realize that others are hurting as much as they are. This is the first step to realizing one’s own emotional states. It’s especially difficult for an empath because the emotion is so large it can easily become all-consuming if let in. In any event I have found the concepts in the book limiting and far to simple. I will be moving on to a more complex read at this point.
In conjunction with that Im returning to the Sith Animal Meditations. I have done animal meditations with my anxiety and with my Dread. I think it’s time to do this with my empathy. I don’t care if others say I cant do this. I will take on the hard challenge and I will conquer it or learn why I cant. I think this will greatly help me in learning to assess myself and my attitudes, actions and beliefs. I had hoped I could find others to hunt with me. But that is not to be the case. So I will proceed on my own.
The apathetic judge those they don’t care to understand.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 23:26:06 GMT
A young spider is born of the web. The spider takes this inborn knowledge of the web and begins to weave and manipulate its power for the spiders own gain. This becomes the spider’s lair, its weapon of lure, its sanctuary and it will become the grave of many a creature that befall the spiders clutches. The spider is just following its nature. But those that don’t understand this nature call the spider dark, cruel, vicious and fearsome.
So to, a young Sith is born of the force. And like the spiders web, the networked mesh of the force reaches through time and space, connecting all things. The Sith learns to use this force to gain meaning in their life through strength and power. But these are not only physical things. They are strength of spirit and power of mind as well. And just as the spider, the Sith is misunderstood and called evil, immoral, fascist, racist and social Darwinist.
But the Sith is none of these. Their pursuit is purpose and excellence in passion and that is all. Those that can’t see this divide the world into light and dark, good and evil, black and white. But the world is none of these things. It is shades of simple grey energy. The energy is not light or dark, it is its use that makes it malevolent or benevolent. And that only exists within the eyes of the beholder. Sith pursue perfection in passion as paramount. Perfection makes things great. But at the end of every empire built, the Sith must reconcile the idea that even though perfection was the goal, perfection can never be attained. And what is a Sith to do with this knowledge? Make peace with it buy reexamining themself, sharpening their tools and beginning again.
I shall begin again, here and now.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 23:31:36 GMT
Asajj Ventress. My Mentor, Her history follows:
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Asajj Ventress was a Dathomirian (Zabrak) female who was born into a clan of Force-sensitive Nightsister witches who practiced a dark form of force magick. Early in her life, her coven was forced to surrender Ventress to the criminal Hal'Sted, who took Ventress to the war-torn world of Rattatak. She was raised as a slave but was orphaned when her master was killed by Weequay pirates.
She was later discovered by the Jedi Knight Ky Narec, who was stranded on Rattatak and waging a battle against the pirate marauders. Narec raised Ventress and taught her to use the Force in the ways of the Jedi Order. The two protected the populace of Rattatak and fought back against the predatory attacks of pirates and warlords. A decade later Ventress was left alone again when Narec was killed in retaliation by those same pirates.
Ventress became enraged by the loss and as a result embraced the dark side of the Force. She used her power to depose the local warlords and take their power for herself. This was short lived however as she was soon captured by the warlord Osika Kirske and she was forced into slavery once again as a gladiator in his arena. During this time she began to build a reputation as a ruthless combatant.
Her reputation grew and she was soon discovered by the Sith Lord Count Dooku. He freed her and put her under his guidance and tutelage as a Dark Acolyte and aspiring apprentice. Asajj Ventress yearned to be considered a true Sith, but such status wasn't allowed under the Sith's Rule of Two. However she did became a commander in her Master's Separatist droid military and an assassin in the employ of the Sith.
Her exploits eventually brought her into conflict with the Jedi Order as she became renowned for her skill and cruelty as she waged war against the Republic. Although she was highly talented and saw much success, Ventress was repeatedly forced to compete for her Master's favor against Confederate military leader General Grievous as well as Dookus own Master, Darth Sidious. Sidious became increasingly wary of Ventress's growing strength in the Force and ultimately ordered Dooku to eliminate his apprentice in a show of loyalty.
Dooku complied and betrayed Ventress by ordering her own forces to execute her. But the attack failed and Ventress, who barely survived, returned home to Dathomir to seek refuge and revenge. Her coven welcomed Ventress back to their sisterhood and together they conspired to kill Dooku. After a failed attempt to assassinate the count, Ventress returned to Dathomir to formally rejoin her clan and forgo further plans for revenge, but Dooku would not have it. The count targeted the Nightsisters for harboring his former apprentice and dispatched his droid army to massacre the Dathomirian witches. Ventress was among the few survivors of the slaughter and she was forced to flee Dathomir.
Ventress was deeply hurt by the loss of her newfound family and so took to wandering the galaxy in search of a purpose, ultimately finding success as a bounty hunter. During this time she encountered the Jedi Master, Quinlan Vos, who was operating under cover as a fellow bounty hunter while trying to find Dooku and assassinate him. Vos ultimately revealed his identity and purpose to Ventress after the two fell in love. Ventress trained Vos in Nightsister culture and dark-side skills to prepare for a strike against Dooku. But their attempt to kill the count failed and she was forced to flee while Vos was taken into Confederate custody.
Ventress eventually rescued Vos, but months of torture at Dooku's hand had turned him to the dark side. Although Ventress sensed his fall, Vos refused to believe his own darkness and became bent on a final mission to kill Dooku. She joined him on this last mission, but it was met with failure again when Vos gave himself fully to the dark side. However Ventress refused to embrace the dark side once more with him. Instead, she sacrificed herself when Dooku attempted to kill Vos with Force lightning by absorbing the blast to protect her lover. Her final sacrifice turned Vos back to the light and she was honored by the Jedi Council. Ventress' body was later laid to rest in the waters of her clan's village on Dathomir.
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I chose Asajj because her life parallels not only my life but my journey in the Force Realist community so closely. I was born into a very spiritually progressive family. I spent my days running in the woods and playing with ranch animals and spending evenings around a ritual fire staring into the millions of stars that peppered the night sky. I never questioned my place in nature or my connection to it until I was older and I began to be told by others that I was a sinner. I began to doubt my place in the universe because of these new people in my life that had become important to me. I lost my path and became a slave to religion, bound between what I knew to be true in my heart and the societal behavior I came to believe I needed to emulate.
Over time the strain of those chains became too great and I was ripped apart as they finally broke and fell away from me. I was the willing catalyst of the destruction for my own sanity and freedom. And it took an outstanding effort to rebuild myself. I knew the tools and the capability were there though. I just needed to re-learn how to use them. It was the second hardest thing I have ever had to do but in the end I did find victory as an independent operator in charge of my own life, accomplishments, attitude and responsibility.
I tried to find others like me and so I turned to the pagan community. What I found there was superstition, fear, conspiracy, fantastical thinking and dogmatic practices. The community was an inbred group of outcasts that had created just another religious structure disguised as independent thought. It did not take long for me to reject those ways of thinking. That was when I found Jediism and my first Jedi Master. He was a brilliant and educated man of philosophy and spiritualism. I studied under him for 2 years before he put me up for Knighthood. But I was rejected by the marauders in the community that did not like me. Even though my work was brilliant my challenging style of communication was all I was judged on. It disillusioned me and my Master. He left the order over the affair, figuratively yet effectively killing him off and I was left alone to the wolves disguised in Jedi robes. So I turned to the dark.
In the Sith worldview I thought I had finally discovered a mindset like my own. The idea of self-responsibility in strength and power of mind to achieve victory in pursuits and thus gaining freedom in self-defined purpose was appealing. And yet time and time again I found few actual practitioners of the philosophy. Instead I found cliques and secret societies and back stabbing all designed to keep anyone that refused to play their game on the fringes of the community. But I wanted their approval and so I enslaved myself to their journey. And during this time I enjoyed a bit of success. I was even Co-Lourdes of the OotS for a time. During this time my reputation grew as a fierce combatant. But the power did not last and my alliances did little to gain me any favor. And I was tossed aside again. That is until I was noticed by a true dark Lourdes of the Sith and I was taken under her instruction.
During this time I learned the true power of the dark side. And I learned how to lesson my grip on things I had no actual control over while caressing those things forward with finesse I did have control over. And the light and the dark became one for me. I no longer saw the distinction between black and white, good and evil, only the raw energy at my command. And my power grew exponentially. But it still wasn’t enough to save the one greatest love in my life. A life partner I would die for, had given everything for and trusted empirically had slowly slipped over the edge of sanity to the depths of the abyss. And like Asajj I sensed the fall as only an empath could. And as badly as I wanted to, I was not capable of following them and so I was betrayed. Letting them go was the hardest thing I have ever done. And I wait now, just existing, mechanically still accomplishing, but not living… waiting to be laid to rest in the waters of my home. Only emotion drives me forward. This is attachment, this is strength, and this is power. But it is not purpose; only time will tell if I can retrieve that.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 23:42:30 GMT
To Glimpse Creation… there is a distinction between what I am and who I am. And yet who I am, as in “the self” is an illusion. I am not a singular spot called entity that exists in the middle of my head. I am neither corporeal nor astral. Who I am is a process. And even that fails to live up to the definition of me. I am a matrix. I am a construct, surrounded by a medium, that is undergoing constant development and evolution based on previous input combined with current progressions all designed to produce a potential future output of some destined design. I am the process of creation itself in motion. My awareness or not of such a thing has no bearing on this fact. But subjective interpretation cannot be dismissed in regard to my perceived consciousness. And so… what follows, is “who I am”.
I am of the rarest type, agreeable and anxious, introverted and intuitive, feeling and judging. I am a good evaluator of character, I sense untrustworthiness, my opinion is hard to sway and I am naturally skeptical. I can see manipulation and I can’t be pushed. But I can struggle in these things with those I love deeply. I love and trust them fully so I can struggle to read when they are betraying my trust and I can become susceptible to their manipulation of me.
Biology means little to me. Outwardly I may display as a specific societal stereotype but internally I am a multitude of various entities and creatures, both male and female. I have well balanced male traits and sometimes overwhelming female traits based in empathy and emotional intelligence. As the Bendu, I am bi-gender, a balanced being. I have a deep sense of integrity and a natural intuition. I’m skilled at interpreting emotion and the motivations of others. I work hard to help others. I’m idealistic and I seek deep meaningful connection. I am gentle and quiet, sensitive and reserved. And I have been hurt deeply by others through these vulnerabilities. I don’t trust humans as a result.
So I am hard to get to know. I am open with very few people. I am reserved to the extreme with strangers. But I am a good listener. I become intense when my values are threatened and I would rather soul search than do mundane tasks. I want to realize my potential and help others do the same. But I will withdraw when faced with insincerity or impure intentions. I am patient though and sympathetic. I struggle in relationships, especially intimate ones but I am also a lifelong learner. My morality is based on Freedom and sometimes that comes across as immoral to others. But I am also fiercely loyal.
I am drawn to certainty. I get anxious from the unknown. I desire security. I need clarity and actionable intelligence, certainty, structure and organized information. But I am detached, loving, gentle and caring. I love very attached but it’s not hard to walk away, to forget and cutoff. If you annoy me I will crush your soul but I will die of guilt afterwards. I am the good villain. Loving is a struggle because of crush and attachment. Am I self-centered – falling in and falling out? Maybe but I won’t start falling out unless you do first. You see that I fall in hard but I fall out just as easy. At least you will never know the difference. And I understand. I am calm and compassionate until I lose control again. And then it gets ugly. I don’t forgive or forget. I may stay with you but… the trust is never the same. I will never mention it again though out of revenge. It simply remains there forever, a scar to be always dealt with.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is the ability to imagine what others may be thinking or feeling; the sense of others emotions. I have always thought that because I have little regard for humans in general that it meant I was not empathic. I have no desire to help the human race as a species. I am indifferent to its suffering. I could care less about starving kids in Africa or that global warming might wipe us off the planet. But I will go out of my way to help an animal. I can’t kill anything, no animal or even an insect. I am fascinated by their life. And suffering of an individual nature fascinates me as well. The refugees of a war fighting to stay alive or the soldier that has been thrust into horrific circumstances and yet moves forward. I am enthralled by this idea that it happens over and over; why? Is this because I am not empathic or because I see a bigger picture in nature that I am trying to understand?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, use, manage and handle emotions. Used in positive ways it can relieve stress, communicate effectively and empathize with others. It can be used to overcome challenges and diffuse conflict. I don’t understand hate and violence to the degree that a spree killer undertakes to wreak havoc on the world. The mindset fascinates me and I want to know what it’s like to feel that way. I want to understand it. Society condemns this and tries to legislate it but that will never work. Taking away freedoms and trying to regulate and control populations is not the answer.
I have been told I fail because I am not obedient to Jesus. I have been told that I am a bad communicator and autistic, that I have poor hygiene, that I bottle negative emotions until I explode. I abruptly cut people out of my life. I have extremely and unhealthy expectations of others. I am moody and self-destructive, paranoid and over thinking. I am stubborn and I am too critical of other opinions. I’m obsessive and dislike changes in plans and as a result I have manipulative tendencies. But are these bad things?? I feel like an outsider. I am a perfectionist and I highly value beauty and quality. I am highly perceptive of others and their potential and I absorb their emotions. It creates deep emotional intimacy for me. I am future focused and gravitate towards people that need help. I am a gifted writer and I work best alone or in small groups and focus on what is right. But others don’t see this. Instead they see the negative of the drives I have as they manifest in their own deficiencies. And I need to be less critical of myself as I strive to understand my own deficiencies.
This is who I am, this is my creation.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 3, 2024 23:44:31 GMT
My “sphere” exploded this year. It was never stable anyway and so that’s fine. As a result I have little attachment in the way of people right now. I did find a deeper attachment to the dark than I ever thought possible for me.
I feel a new darkness rising inside me. This is not depression. Depression is a lack of desire and drive or motivation. Instead I feel intense desire, desire for change, desire for epiphany, desire to fix that which is broken. At the same time I long for the self-deceptions and the romanticized concepts and the idealist notions I told myself in the past. There is a deep, profound sadness, an emotional pain beyond measure that is based in confusion, disappointment, sorrow – feelings that I failed myself and others in some way; that I was not strong enough to take it. There is an empty blackness inside me, everything taken from it in joy, acceptance, comfort, love, trust, and belief. And it aches for attention.
Auditory hallucinations have seemed to become a part of who I am now. Sometimes just whispers, sometimes a word or my name, sometimes a slammed door or a scream or a dog’s bark or explosion in the middle of the night. Sometimes when I’m awake and sometimes not, I think it’s called exploding head syndrome. It’s like there is something inside me struggling to wake up – something that is not me; a dragon that wants control of my spirit. Physical death is final and devastating, personality death is not and the rage is worse. I’m angry, furious in fact that the dragon just gets to take everything away from me. It is cold to be able to do that and not even question its actions. I don’t want this hole inside filled with the vengeance of the dragon and its hate. How do I stop this? I’m tempted to allow it but I have to resist.
I feel the pull to the dark side that is outside the comfort zone of Sith. It is an effort to let the rage wash over me and not take it for myself. Truly for the first time in my life I understand true darkness - unproductive, destructive, lust for power in order to hunt, destroy and make others pay. Show them how wrong they have been. I want to punish and torture the way I have been. Make them hurt, regret their actions. Most Sith I encounter never understand this level of darkness; a place where passion has no relation. Instead they dance around a stupid creed and pretend they are something they will never understand. They waste time chatting and playing video games and never realize that Sith passion is of the dark and the light. It is legislated love and hate. The dark is not a tame thing and if you play with it and don’t understand it, the dark will destroy you.
Even darkness that evolves as a result of a life threatening event is not true darkness. It is only the first step into the dark. Yes it is darkness steeped in passion but it is not pure. Pure darkness is born of helplessness, powerlessness and abandonment. Betrayal is worse than death. And from that vengeance is born. It is a place that is truly unrelenting and power inducing where unbridled freedom and un-remorseful retribution reign supreme. And you relish it, even if it consumes you. More succinctly you understand the expectation that it will consume you, that it must consume you, but only if you give in to it. Is there a way to control it? The spree killer mindset says not. This is the place pure darkness takes you.
There is no karmic justice in the world. There is only a natural justice – that which we have the power to take for ourselves alone. My attachments have caused this conflict inside. As a Sith I don’t experience love in a general sense, I experience it in an intensely personal sense; giving mind, body and soul completely to it as an expression of passion. Attachment of this form leads to the greatest of accomplishments of strength and power. With great risk comes great reward. And the risk in taking this chance in darkness is betrayal. But still the risk is worth it for a Sith as they realize that they can only go so far on their own, gain only so much power on their own. To go further one needs a tribe, and thus this concept of personal attachment becomes a necessary core aspect of a Siths life.
And what happens to a Sith when their sense of intimacy has been destroyed? Well for me I see a choice has been given me. Either walk the talk or fold and become a victim. I chose to walk the talk. The only true test of character is by fire. That is why near death experiences are important in this path. But there are many other tests of fire a Sith must endure to become a true lord of the dark. And that only comes with great knowledge, great experience and then possessing the skills and talent to combine those into great wisdom. Lacking any one of these simply means you are a pretender. So my advice to young Sith, stop play acting and get to doing the work of a Sith!
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 4, 2024 23:16:54 GMT
Now no one knows which way love's wheel turns Will we hit it rich or crash and burn Does fortune wait or just the black hand of fate If the angels are unkind or the season is dark or if in the end Love just falls apart Then here's to our destruction ~Springsteen~
I had no old boundaries. They had been taken from me by myself and I justified it because of a myriad of reasons. I allowed my self-esteem to crumble to dust because of fear of change and loss. There were things I wanted in my life and I did not know how to healthily get them so I allowed toxic relationships, dishonest relationships and abusive relationships into my life. And I convinced myself those things were not others fault but my own fault. I told myself that this was just the way things had to be, that I had to suffer for what I wanted. But I was not sacrificing healthily nor suffering honorably.
I don’t feel I can go further in this writing unless I bring in some Tenets, thinking on each of them and reflecting on how I have used them and how I will use them in my life going forward.
SELF RESPECT I have believed for a long time that I am a perpetrator of evil. I am a liar and manipulative and a gas-lighter and I ignore others in favor of my own needs and I am an emotionally distant and unscrupulous person. I use others and am lazy, demanding, intolerant and completely inadequate as a protector. I am emotionally distant to the point of autism and lack any ability have an intimate relationship physically, emotionally or psychologically. I am sketchy and erratic and volatile and cause much trauma in others as a result of my unsafe personality.
At least this is what I had been taught by the people in my life, both in and out of this community. I was caught in their narcissistic abuse cycle in which I was idealized, devalued and then rejected over and over again. A pattern of highs and lows in which they kept me confused, feeling shame and guilt, seeking their approval because of their manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making me constantly question myself. I spent my life in fight or flight mode. I finally escaped, only because I was ultimately abandoned. Time to rebuild myself.
SELF HONESTY The hardest thing I have ever had to do was admit to myself that I had been lying to myself about so many things in my life. Justifying others behavior and telling myself that if I stood up to the boundaries I wanted to set I would lose the things in my life I wanted most. So I ignored them and pretended this is what I really wanted in life, relying on others for things instead of stepping up and taking them for myself. I am wounded, I feel betrayed by so many, I have no dreams of the future left and I don’t want to face it. I told myself I was the bad guy, that others in my life were doing nothing wrong and I deserved the guilt and confusion because I was weak and I was lucky to have these manipulative people in my life pay attention to me. It was all for my own good and growth. But it wasn’t. It was slowly killing me. My world is black and painful and full of desolation. I have lost so many people I don’t even know how to begin to rebuild anything. But even though most days I don’t want to, I am still trying. I won’t give up.
ACCOUNTABILITY I have had to go through a lot of personal growth over this year and I have been forced to take responsibility for my part in how I have lived my life and how I have allowed others to treat me. As a result I am setting new boundaries within a lot of areas of my life. I cannot allow broken boundaries and corrupted dreams in my life anymore. I am coming to terms with myself as a fixer and an empath and my weaknesses and I need to be true to what exists inside me instead of believing I’m something I am not. I have stopped hiding from things when I know they are not right and I am taking steps to get rid of those things in my life.
COMMUNICATION I grasp at the last strings of my former life as I fall into the abyss. But as I fall I am confronting many things in my life this year and using internal and external dialogue to work through them. I am talking about the pain of things I had been ignoring and bringing them into focus. I convinced myself for too long that I was ok; keeping everything inside. But I’m not ok, I’m overwhelmed with despair and I know I have much work to do that I have been ignoring and letting pile up. I have a cat and a dog and family and a therapist to talk to. I don’t trust anyone else. I’m not weak but I am broken right now. And I’m too tired to reach out sometimes. I just need someone, anyone, stronger than me for a little bit until I can learn to love myself again.
PRODUCTIVITY AND WILLINGNESS TO LEARN Therapy, research, keeping busy and doing the work to rediscover who I am has helped. Evaluating the information and the source of guilt and shame I was feeling. I am examining my relationships, sleeping habits, anxiety, self-esteem and my history. I dug into the reasons for the confusion and remorse. I am working very hard on myself and I am rediscovering who I am. I am a true INFJ empath that has been locked in a trauma bond with Narcissists. I was following a script that had been programmed into me. When that finally broke I nearly gave myself to the darkness because of the intense pain. I am still in the midst of that, but the confusion is dissipating, things are beginning to make sense. I want to learn and I am doing the work.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 4, 2024 23:20:21 GMT
Most people consider the terms “wish” and “desire” as synonymous. But to me they are very different. Knowing this difference is the key to finding success in my endeavors. The majority of people I encounter in life are wishful. Wishing is simply a feeling or hoping for something to happen that is otherwise not easily attainable. It can be a thought in one’s head or a prayer to a God or a pleading to the “universe” to change the course of time and the fabric of reality to fulfill a craving they have in their life. Regardless of the method, they are pleading for some outside force to control the external factors in their life and, by some miracle or unbelievable luck, have that external force gift to them the thing wished for. Occasionally acts like wishing do come to pass. But if a wish is realized the only real result is a complete lack of appreciation and a failure to realize the ability to actually hold on to what has been gained for very long. This is because they failed to build up the necessary skills and knowledge that needs to come with realizing the “unattainable”.
Unlike a wish, a desire is an active process; one that conveys the idea that whatever is yearned for is not attainable without a chase. But those that are willing to conquer fear and give sacrifice in pursuit of their desire may achieve the impossible. They understand that no one sets limits for them but themselves. The chase is a process of actively and continually seeking self-evolution as one looks aggressively for opportunity. I set my sights on the object of my desire and then take the time and make the effort to prepare accordingly. I understand that whatever I desire, I can and will obtain if I truly have the passion to actively pursue it. In this process I fundamentally change how I view the unattainable. I realize that nothing is, in fact, unattainable. I open my mind to absolutely limitless possibility and I can conceive and truly believe in something that many people will find to be absurd. I make possible what others say is impossible through dedication and hard work and sacrifice and not being afraid of failure or humiliation on the journey.
For my real life subject I chose Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think he perfectly encompasses what it means to be a Sith that is driven by passion that defines personal purpose in one’s life. Arnold was born in a small town in Austria. By age 11 he knew that he didn’t want to be a farmer or a factory worker. He wanted to go to America and emulate his hero Reg Park, who was a famous body builder and movie actor. Arnold had found his desire. Next he devised a plan to achieve his goals and set about executing that plan. By the age of 20 Arnold went to London and competed in the Mr Universe contest. He took first place, the youngest competitor to ever do so at that time.
From there Arnold went to America and began devising and executing plans for his next goals. He continued in body building but also worked construction, went to college, took language and speech and acting classes and worked out in the Gym up to 6 hours a day. He organized every minute of his day and did not waste a second. There were no video games or television in his life because he had a vision. The result of his hard work and perseverance was an amazing body building career, becoming a leading man in the movies and even becoming the Governor of California.
During his life he has experienced many failures in his pursuits but he has never given up on his dreams. He has lost competitions, had disasters of movies and at one time had an approval rating as Governor or only 28%. But he never let any of this stop him. He was become wildly famous and successful and even won a reelection to the Governorship. Arnold is an inspiration to all Sith as he has spent his life outside of his comfort zone turning liabilities in to assets in his life, never saying no too an opportunity and having no fear of failure. Arnold Quotes:
“We all fail; it’s ok. What is not ok is if when you fail you stay down. Whoever stays down is a loser. Only winners will fail and then get up again.”
Failure is not an excuse to quit. Plan B’s are also wasted energy. Go for your goals with only one plan, to succeed. Take risks, overcome fear and work hard. There are no short cuts to success; only dedication, action in hard work, never wasting a moment, perseverance and never giving in to excuses. Arnold lives by two simple rules:
1 – Have a Vision 2 – Don’t listen to the nay-sayers
This is how I live my life as a Sith. I don’t live my life by excuses. I live my life by visions. I take responsibility for my actions. I work hard and when I fail I get back up again. I look only to myself for the things I want in life. No one will ever give me anything I have not earned. I seek out the hardest challenges and then no matter how many times it takes, I conquer them. This is being a Sith.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 4, 2024 23:22:38 GMT
I don’t follow any path called Sith with predetermined prerequisites such as this lesson implies. I agree with some of the lesson decrees and disagree with others. I call myself Sith because I am most comfortable in an animalistic dark place of anger and rage and indignation. But I am also intelligent enough to recognize these things can’t run free. While they can’t be controlled they can be made agreeable to cooperate in pursuit of a shared goal. Recognizing this raw ability in ones self is all it is to be Sith. Have a desire. Make that desire a tangible vision. Set milestones on the path to that vision, and then overcome the fear of discomfort and sacrifice to fight mercilessly for that visions attainment. Finally, know when something no longer serves you in your life and be willing to destroy it in favor of new construction. I embrace these ideals because I am Sith, not the other way around.
Pain and suffering are temporary and I have the will to rise above. Is it a matter of my superior intelligence to realize this? To take responsibility for one’s life and know what happens here is no one’s fault and yet still allow myself to experience it to the fullest? No, intelligence has nothing to do with it. It is something deep inside that most don’t have and will never understand. What does it even feel like to contemplate suicide in the face of despair? To feel like I have lived enough, done enough, done everything I wanted to do. I don’t know because I feel the pain and I contemplate the deeper meaning of such things beyond simple oblivion. Spree killers for example that set out on rampages of death and destruction just for the fun of it. I know what they know, and yet I don’t understand why they chose the path they do. It fascinates me.
I understand that attachment is important but I also understand that every attachment I will ever make in life will not last. Eventually they will all go away. As a result I am incredibly selective in whom I let into my life. Many are there to serve a specific purpose I have for them or role I need fulfilled. I am an INFJ so these are based on utility but not deep emotion. However as an INFJ Sith I have a weakness and that is intimacy. When I allow someone into my life at that level I go all the way and I fall hard. I become blind and if my trust is betrayed I never see it coming. I bend myself to be what they need and never allow them to be what I need or for them to even see what I need. When I give my raw soul to someone and they abuse it or reject it, it hurts. As a result I am very guarded and I have very few intimate relationships in my life.
I feel lucky that I am not dead but I also wish I was at times. Why do people suddenly just snap and start killing or mass murdering or shooting up schools? What keeps me from it? What is it inside me that makes me different? Is it discipline, perseverance, spirit or something else? I don’t know what it is that separates me from others with such rage, but I know that thing is what makes me Sith. Wrong or right, how do I know the difference? I don’t have to know in my head, I feel it in my heart. There are those that have threatened my life. What if they actually carried that out? I am not perfect and trust will betray you. I might be a victim of such a thing. I have no delusions of grandeur and I know that no worldview I have will ever stop it. And yet I keep moving forward. I won’t live my life in fear. I will always get back up when I fail. And no one will ever tell me what I can or can’t do… because I am Sith.
PTSD is a natural consequence of this individual mentality. Realizing I can never control anything, can never truly trust anything gives me pause to wonder why I continue to live, to love, to trust, and to be vulnerable. Empires are built and destroyed every day but when these things are absent in my life that is true pitch black darkness of the abyss. I will not give into that level of seductive darkness. She can’t have me, not yet. I will remain just out of her reach. I understand it’s not about the emotion at all but about the loss of that part of me capable of these things. It remains mine, the only part of me no one can ever take away. I can’t help but think of that dark lady as I know her, as I knew her, and as she will be when that embrace finally comes. I feel like I failed her in many ways. I let her down and she turned. I’m hyper vigilant; maybe over reacting? But I won’t give into anything as I self-isolate. For it is less distracting than trusting… for now. But soon it will be time to hunt again. Such is the life of a Sith.
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Post by Forceuser on Apr 5, 2024 0:46:40 GMT
I am compelled. I cannot put into words like you. I can only feel and Process very similar feelings. If I started to write it would take a lifetime to get things out but I need to share this with you. I'm reading a book called complex p.T.S t from surviving to thriving by pete walker
It is helping me process things.. I've been going to therapy for 3 years. I stopped in december. I was thinking about writing my own book. For the moment I just started back up in martial arts Yesterday. This is going to be a great year. you are not. Alone in this. Challenge.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:52:17 GMT
BEFORE I viewed myself a certain way because of others. I tried to make myself into that view imposed by others. I was aggressive. I sought out conflict for conflicts sake. Not in pursuit of resolution but of perpetuation; a means to fight in a protected world where I controlled the means of access. It was an escape from a world where I felt helpless, frustrated and unsure of who I was or what I was supposed to do to fix it.
When challenged I would become defensive. Rather than facing others complaints or being willing to see their perspective I would steadfastly deny any wrong doing. I avoided self-reflection and dismissed the possibility that I was part of or the entire problem. I did not take responsibility in unresolved problems and as a result my issues just continued to grow.
I would over generalize and blow conflicts out of proportion. I commonly used terms like “always” and “never” in nonconstructive ways that made any kind of satisfactory resolution very difficult. I typically decided that my way was right and other ways were wrong. I saw my viewpoint as being the only correct one and became incensed when it was questioned. I would not entertain alternative points of view and treated them like personal attacks.
I engaged in psycho analysis where I made assumptions about people and how they think and what their experiences were leading me to negative conclusions about the other person’s thoughts or actions. It was a way for me to create hostility that kept me at a distance from others. When I did this I would shut down and stop listening or understanding them. I prevented myself from empathizing and seeing a different point of view. Then I would play the blame game, blaming others for my situation. I refused to admit any fault and I criticized others in an attempt to weaken their credibility. I engaged in projection onto others of the weaknesses I saw in myself.
When none of this worked I would resort to personal character attacks. I would be aggressive and avoid the issue by deflecting and labeling others with negative connotations instead of trying to respect them as an individual. Then I would set about stonewalling by refusing to engage in a productive manner. It was designed to show contempt and disrespect that allowed the underlying conflict to grow and further damage relationships.
I was incapable of controlling my impulses. I was trapped. Like a wild animal in a cage I circled back and forth, over and over, and bit at anyone or anything that came close to me, operating on instinct alone.
NOW I realize I was living my life in fear. I had the key to escape all the while and yet I did not use it. I was told the door was locked and the key would not work, and I believed them. So I remained inside, hoping to one day be let out. Then something happened. They came for me and tried to destroy me. And I finally found the courage to run. In doing so I have realized that only I control my fate. And what I make of that fate is my responsibility, mine alone to command. Now I decide. In doing so I am rebuilding my relationship with my inner dragon; the dragon that carries destruction and self-loathing that I allowed to run bare for so long. The dragon is a wild thing and it needs its energy directed or there is only self-destruction without new creation. Those boundaries are being put in place and I am taking the responsibility in will to keep them strong. They are sacred and no more will I allow them to be trampled by others out of fear. As a result of this decree I have written a personal oath.
1. I will never deceptively call others out to serve my own agenda, only praise their efforts 2. I will never dismiss others or their concerns 3. I will never withhold information or resources 4. I will never defensively, aggressively or unproductively challenge another’s questions or position 5. I will do all I can to be an example to others as a healthy example of advancement in life. 6. I promise to dedicate myself to my own excellence and advancement so that I may pass this onto others.
As the means to enact this oath through action I am dedicating myself to being patient with others. I understand that everyone progresses at different rates and I won’t allow myself to get frustrated or angry at people because of where they are, what they believe or my interactions with them in the past. I am continuing to focus on practicing these skills and this oath. I am remaining sharp and self-vigilant as I strive to learn new techniques to better myself. I am taking the time to better get to know my peers. I am asking questions and taking an interest in what others have to say. I am having productive conversations and learning what others are about, the beliefs they have and why, and the challenges they face.
I am planning my approach with logic, reason and tact. I plan my objectives carefully and when I give opinions I am striving to clearly and concisely explain them and then follow up to ensure understanding. I am trying to motivate others, not tear them down. I am learning to inspire and show my passions but never shame others. I am dedicated to being flexible and understanding with others capabilities and I am making accommodations within myself to relieve stress and be more sensitive so that I can build trust and offer help. I am showing respect instead of condemnation and I am tempering my attitude so I don’t come across as bossy or superior.
The human conditions and the theories of life fascinate me and I want to learn about them and I want to teach my own. I am being mindful of my language and keeping a positive attitude so that I may be seen as a role model in excellent behavior towards one another. If others are not interested in these ideas of engagement with me I am not going to pursue them. I am not perfect and I will fail at times. But I will never give up on these ideas.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ― Frank Herbert
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:53:29 GMT
I disagree with the premise that sith are not villains. Sith are very much Villains if you consider the wider context of the definition outside of the limiting false dichotomy of inherent self-service versus inherent evil. Good and evil are social constructs not intrinsic universal absolutes. As such they don’t really exist in nature. What does exist is passion to pursue a goal or the call to adventure. Passion to pursue is an active outward focused pursuit designed to enact some transformation in the world. The call to adventure is a passive inwardly receptive response to some external situation already at play in the world. It is a Sith mindset that has the Passion to Pursue. It is a Jedi mindset that accepts the call to adventure.
This can most readily be described in literature as the antagonist mentality and the protagonist mentality; in other words, the Villain and the Hero. But one is not evil and the other good beyond the context of the story and what the author is trying to convey to the audience. It is written from his subjective point of view but this is just subjective conjecture on their part. In reality the Villain and hero are just combatants on opposite sides of a struggle. Both the Villain and the Hero think they are the one in the right and that the other is wrong or evil. Darth Vader believed the Jedi were evil. Luke Skywalker believed the Sith were evil. But which person actually did more harm in lives taken? It was Luke Skywalker by a massive margin that killed more than Vader ever did. So to say evil is to do harm means you have to make Luke an evil mass murderer.
In the Star Wars universe Vader was the antagonist or the Villain. He initiated action in the universe that set a series of events in action. He believed what he was doing was right and he believed he had to do the things he did, sacrifice the things he did, for love. Skywalker was a passive entity in the world until he was called to action by Obi-Wan who told him he needed to stop the transformation that Vader had enacted in the Galaxy. Vader was the motivator, Skywalker was the respondent set in motion to oppose Vader’s goal.
A villain is simply an initiator of action in the broadest sense of the word. The villain is not evil incarnate because there is no such thing. An antagonist could be a tornado or a forest fire that destroys or burns down an orphanage. But one would not call a force of nature evil. It’s just a force carrying out its nature that is opposed by other forces set on stopping it. That’s all a Villain is, that’s all a Sith is. I am not evil just because I don’t conform to some contrived societal or social standard of morality decided upon by others. What I believe is not evil; no action I take can ever be evil. Some may call what I am or what I do evil but that is just a subjective opinion from a force that opposes my initiated action. Within each of us exists a rational rider and a maniacal dragon. Neither one is good or evil, just two opposing forces within each of us. Learning their balance is better than trying to label, judge and suppress part of the self. Same goes for any set of opposing forces in nature.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:54:11 GMT
I grew up without any sort of organized religious influence and as a result I experienced the world as a young child through organic influences like my mother’s beliefs and just nature itself. Nature is cruel and it taught me that though everything has a right to live, not everything gets to thrive or even survive if they don’t take responsibility for their own situation in life. No one should be expected to do it for you and everything gets one chance at it. And I say chance because you can still do it all right and not survive. The universe never promised it would play fair. These revelations have had a profound effect on me but they were not my only input. When I started school I had one of those birthdays that allowed me to start school at the age of 4. This left me younger and typically weaker than most of my classmates, who typically started at 5. I was also quite an introvert with a great deal of anxiety growing up. This combination of traits left me a good target for bullying. And so I grew up in a world full of terror.
However I seemed to possess another trait that helped me through these years; one that would eventually serve me in great capacity. I could not fight and win against those kids that were typically bigger than me but I still refused to accept defeat in anything. I defended myself from the teasing with fists on occasion but also in other ways, by never letting them change who I was, never letting anything change what I believed because of psychological of physical suffering. I never “stayed down” so to speak. I always got back up. I was not afraid of failure and I was never swayed by nay-sayers. I was never going to allow anyone to prove I was what they perceived me to be. I was always going to be who I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do.
It also did something else for me. It taught me how to be alone. How to not follow the crowd or give in to peer pressure. It was this combination of experiences and personality that later drove me to successfully serve as a United States Marine, Solo an aircraft, become a master scuba diver, pursue a degree in Astrophysics, travel the world, build an amazing technical career and have many wonderful relationships. And still today I continue to follow my passions without reservation. Those traits of introversion and anxiety still persist for me but I never allow them to control my destiny. I work to conquer them each day because nothing in life will keep me from the things I want to accomplish.
I look back on my life and I can’t tell if my anxiety created the environment I endured which resulted in creating my perseverance or if my perseverance was there first and that set me up as a target which in turn created my anxiety. I don’t think any of us know where these things inside of us come from or why they interact as they do. It is as great a mystery as consciousness itself. However I do know the combination served to create the only worldview I have ever remembered possessing – that of a Sith.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:54:39 GMT
I am of the rare breed, that of the Unicorn. The Unicorn is an extremely wild woodland creature, ferocious and wild but also a symbol of purity and grace. I represent the male energies in all their potency. But I also have associations with the feminine instinctive moon. As such, I represent the sacred marriage and balance between emotions and logic. My horn is made of a substance called Alicorn, which holds magical, intuitive and medicinal properties. The horns of my kind are highly sought after and hunters would do anything to obtain and exploit these trophies.
I have one weakness; I can be lured and seduced only by a virgin. Through the intemperance of my nature and not knowing how to control myself for the love I bear to fair maiden virgins, I forget my ferocity and wildness; and lay aside all fear as I approach a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap. I regard this as a sacred bond of trust between us.
For me, the word virgin doesn’t mean what it does today. By the ancient tongue I know it does not mean ‘untouched’. In the time when my kind freely flourished it was used specifically to describe a free woman - independent, autonomous, untied, her own sovereign; freely choosing her own lovers. The Goddess Artemis is such a virgin. She is a protector of the Unicorn. But she can’t protect us all because we need to be free.
And by the stark nature of the universe, hunters are out there that know this and exploit this weakness. They use this weakness to hunt me, now too near extinction; luring me into traps and bleeding me for my Alicorn; using it as a false tool of seduction while leaving the rest of my carcass to rot. Sometimes the virgins are complicit in this hunt and sometimes not. But it doesn’t matter to me. I cannot tell the difference because of my trusting and lustful nature to these captivating creatures.
As a result Unicorns like me are nearly extinct; an incredibly rare breed that is still hunted mercilessly by unscrupulous predators. But I still search… search until my death for that one maiden, who is honest and true and does not break her word. This is my nature and in that one of my passions reside; that of intimate sacred and unbroken connection.
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