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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:55:01 GMT
I am too deep a thinker for most. I have been on a lifelong search for others of my kind. But I am part of a very rare breed and there are not many of us. Most people are oblivious to the world around them. They are incapable of discerning a deeper meaning from life. Others float along the surface of deep meaning and pretend they have mastered the answers. But in actuality they are either too scared to go deeper or they lack the life experience to even see the depth. And so they feign comprehension and call themselves masters or lords and they flaunt their internally fabricated superiority. In actuality these people have no idea what it means to be Sith Lord, let alone be capable of embodying one.
I am an idealist and a romantic. And so I am drawn to this fantastical world of a philosophical, spiritual and metaphysical fabric covered by the veneer of the Star Wars Universe. I just want to get beneath that veneer and find the heart of things. I want to have an honest conversation and explore the meaningful attributes of existence; our human condition. But there are too many that think of themselves as having arrived at some destination and they delight in belittling others and dismissing any sort of true intent to do the work necessary that might actually allow them to grow. They fall back on their shallow explanations and trite commentaries that they have read in a Llewellyn book; never grasping the idea that who they are is not their “true self” but a manufactured product of society. ~ It infuriates me. My depth of knowledge and experience and work goes unnoticed and when it is noticed it’s misunderstood. I should not expect any less I suppose, from the superficial multitudes that infest this community. But I keep trying. Why? Because I care and I know there are a few out there that truly get it. And it is those few I search for. I know this is going to be controversial but Mortose was one such creature. One of the few that was brave enough to walk so deeply into the darkness that there was true danger of never returning. With great risk comes great reward.
I understand that commitment. Few of us are willing to take that chance to explore darkness in a way that most reject out of hand because of their internal collective programming. They are incapable of breaking those chains in their worldview. They don’t even see those chains. Instead they pretend that breaking a chain is getting out of bed every day or deciding to stop drinking coffee. Those aren’t chains, they are habits. There is no such thing as good and evil for a Sith, correct? And yet absolutes are still assigned every day out of hand, without a second thought, by so called Sith. I see them as pretenders that don’t comprehend the very tenets they claim to ascribe to and honestly it’s revolting.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:55:24 GMT
What I need to keep from falling
Sudden traumatic events have a tendency to wreak havoc. My brain can’t process it all just yet. There is no opportunity to make it better. Instead I need to let it go and move on. In this I feel powerless and helpless and I don’t like that feeling. I want to control something, anything I can grasp onto. I must let that go. It’s frustrating because the feelings come then; feelings of abandonment, dread, suffocation and entrapment.
I want them to feel pity and remorse but I know that won’t happen. They feel only relief and euphoria. Was I just not listening? Was I blocking what I did not want to hear? Am I the one that is broken? I drive around the city starring into the black night. How fucking strange to do that with your enemy. That stranger inside you, part of you, that you thought would never betray you, and yet it happens over and over again. I don’t want them to die and yet I need to set that boundary in my life and murder that part of me. I cry to Goddess… it hurts! And there is no reply. Just silent resolve returned to me…yes, I know what must be done.
It was a radical bluff to get myself to realize how serious the situation was. I wanted to wake up and see how wrong I have been. But there is no waking up, there is only death. And in the end it is only I that is left begging for deliverance back to what once was. And I realize there is no redemption. I am denied that as the ghost of what once was laughs. I am left with a choice, Justice or Vengeance? ` Envy and Jealousy live as two sides of a single coin. And I see now there is no light side. The dark side of love is unconditional. It will sell itself to the object of its desire just for the chance to taste that sweetness once more. But I realize it is bitter now and I can no longer bias one to favor them over others in moral or legal issues. Jealousy, manipulation, possessiveness, coercion, loss of rational thought; hate does these things to me. Love is the greatest joy and the sharpest weapon. To become susceptible to such a thing is nothing more than to be human. I need to make a decision; do I choose the light or the dark?
I know what I must do. I need to take self-care. I need to build a close support group and not push them away. I need to keep busy. I have to not scorch the earth or create drama. I have to find ways to let others win and let things go while not losing the things that are most important to me. I need to pick my battles, set my boundaries and know when to retreat. I need to get good sleep, eat well, exercise hard, listen to support groups, engage in my hobbies and study who I am. I feel like the person I knew died. I’m dealing with someone else now and I wonder who that other person was. I miss them but I have to let them go
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:56:03 GMT
Letter to my Dragon Self
I want to reconnect with you but I don’t know how. I have fallen from your back and been lost. I have done things to myself, things I am not proud of and I wonder why I am the way I am – A rider alone. I glimpse you there in the darkness, a shell of who I used to know. My heart goes out to you. I want to hug you and comfort you and help you and tell you it will be alright. You are the charming one, the confident one, the one that commands the room, demanding others give you your worthy praise. But not this day, not right now and maybe not anymore. My beloved dark one what happened? Why have you gone into the gloom?
Our union has been replaced with a vile, vindictive creature bent on destroying our beautiful union. I plead with it for things I have no control over. My sense of responsibility vanquished and replaced by raw fury. Why did you abandoned me, leave me alone with this abusive monster that I can only plead helplessly with to not drag me into the abyss and devour me. It threatens me, cuts me, and sabotages my efforts to escape like a cat with a mouse. And when I find the courage to gaze into its face I see only my likeness, self-destructive, self-sabotaging.
Are you trying to prove something to me? Is this some trial I must endure alone? You promised to always be there but you are not following through on that. You blame me for a situation I did not create and I am angry with you and yet desperate to find you. But you have gone too far this time, maybe to a place we can’t come back from. I have no choice though. I must let my fury and my vengeance and even my love and compassion for you rest… to be replaced by the peace of cold indifference and move forward to inevitability. We are both dying, the Vixen and the Wyldstar, and I know that. ` But death is not the end, only a transformation. And it is not an easy process. It is filled with loss and longing and regret and sacrifice and destruction. It is a deliberate and conscious and difficult progression. So much easier it would be to follow you down the dark path of hate and vengeance and entitled incensement at everyone around me except the demons that slither in the pit of despair with me and urge me forward in destructive agreement. But I am the rational one and it is my duty now to protect you, the wild one. So I will not give in to that darkness for both our sakes. I chose a different path, one just as stark because it affords no bias or dissonance of self or environment. It is a path of truth, the only path for us to follow, if we are to thrive together once again in life.
To thrive as a bonded pair, dragon and rider, does not mean riches or power. It does not carry the connotation of lies or manipulation or cruelty. The path of truth is one that embraces the tenets of individual freedom, natural justice, personal responsibility to these things and integrity to never violate them. It is a path of mutual respect, absolute personal honesty and willingness for open council in life; to trust one another in unconditional love. And to trust those others that prove their greatest love for us. I see you my dark love, my power spirit, Anima to my Animus. And I will protect you by taking a critical and discerning eye to anyone on the periphery that does not know you, does not love you, does not care and has deceptive personal agendas that they use to manipulate you and make you believe things that are not true. ` It is unjust and biased to suppress a gender or a race or a creature no matter if within or without. It is a radicalization my dark love and you have been radicalized, no different than any other abused and badly used wild thing. Your innocent trust is gone. But I love you and I will fight for you to the death. I only ask that you return from this path away from your rider you have chosen to follow. I must protect myself now as much as you. I hope soon you will begin to understand and return. I promise to never stop searching and hoping we will be united again as dragon and rider. Only together can we shake off this agony so that we may begin to hunt again!
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:56:42 GMT
I keep being told of my narratives. How I play them over and over again. No one knows my narratives, not my friends, not my sister and certainly no one on the internet. I’m stretched too thin, like jam spread over too much toast; just a silly hobbit wolf girl who really should have never existed in this place, this reality. My cat, sweet boy, catches my tears that have streamed down my face onto my neck and my dog, gentle spirit, holds my paw. None of us were made for this world; my cat an abandoned runt that should have died and my dog to kind to ever be able to understand the cruelty of the world. They are my Daemon.
That night a life time ago I was very upset, thinking I had made a mistake taking them from their brothers and sisters and the only mother they had ever known. I was furious for the situation, for the decision I had to make to break up our family. And desperate for it all to go away; but my best friend was dead and I had no one to turn to for advice so I chose the selfish path. A path that was unsettling and upsetting leaving all involved just wanting to go home, or so I thought. They all looked to me for answers and I had none. I felt guilt, I had made a choice for me and I was making others conform to my will. They had no choice, I controlled their lives. I came so close to relenting many times, but in the end I persevered. It was one of the hardest nights of my life. ~ Slowly I began to realize that what I thought was home was really an illusion. I had become so entrenched in how I thought others would react or what others would think that I failed to see what was truly happening. I had been failing the needs of the ones I loved and that is as abusive as what had been happening to them. I wasn’t listening, I wasn’t paying attention. The act of escape was actually one of the first selfless acts I had committed in a long time. It calmed me and I was soothed when we finally lay on the bed together, touching, caressing, petting, and just being together. I realized what had been missing from all our lives for too long.
That encounter was both ecstasy and agony. I realized how frail they had become, undernourished and thin. I had witnessed this for a long time but when I said something I was always reprimanded. And like a dog in a cage I curled up and allowed the abuse to continue. But I was just as bad, allowing another’s abuse of a helpless creature and doing nothing makes them just as guilty as the abuser. They would get into things and they would be punished. But they were just hungry. And I ignored it. I have been guilty of compromising who I was in favor of who others told me I was. Something inside me shifted. No longer will I give my power away, I must trust myself and my judgment. ~ These are not the tales of one who trusts easily. They are the tales of a simple Sith who knows that nothing is black and white, good or evil. Life is not like that and subjective perceptions of events are always going to be interpreted in different ways by different people. Is one interpretation right and another wrong? I can’t assign moral absolutes but I do know as a Sith that if it’s wrong for me, then it’s wrong and I can’t ignore that. I do know that if we are to get along though then both sides need to give a little to the other and then let shit go. It’s scary walking into another person’s world alone and having to be vulnerable; putting your trust in another’s hands. To allow friendship and guidance, even love into my life again. And as much as I want to deny it, I know inside that’s what I need in my life as a Sith. I have the courage to try again.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:57:06 GMT
I have undergone much self-reflection today. I regret my actions and I hate the fact that I gave in to PTSD again. I became convinced I was about to be rejected but instead of processing that I reacted to it in fear and turned on someone before I felt they were going to turn on me. I could not face the possibility of yet another rejection in my fevered mind and so I turned the possibility of hurt into anger and I became the very abuser I have been victim to so many times before by others in my former life. I have said on this journey that I will fail at times. And this was an epic failure on my part. This cycle has to stop! I can’t allow it to continue. I won’t allow it to continue.
I had no intention of ever becoming an apprentice again. I had tried it to many times before and it never worked. But I became intrigued by my mentors system so I decided to try one more time as an apprentice. I am not one to easily trust and I have lost a lot over the last two years including a spouse/best friend/soul mate, a family, a spiritual group, a second best friend and a career. I also learned a lot about myself. Like the fact that I am a natural empath that had surrounded myself by narcissists that were feeding on me. When that all collapsed (as it needed to) I got professional help and was diagnosed with complex ptsd and anxiety and depression. My sense of trust had been destroyed and I had (and still have) a lot of self-work to do.
Counseling only does so much for me though as I am a hands on person and need to live what I learn. This mentorship was the perfect way to drive that forward for me, make me face myself and dig in. Part of that is learning to trust and learning to set and recognize boundaries. Sometimes I fail spectacularly at that task, either I’m too aggressive or not firm enough. I know this about myself and I keep working at it but a consequence of that is that my behavior has damaged a cherished friendship. Obviously I have some very large voids in my life that I’m trying to rebuild and the process hurts. But my mentors friendship and patience and understanding has helped; even meeting in real life which was one of the most magical experiences I have ever had.
But I’m also a wild thing that has been abused. I know I should not be ashamed of that but I am and I get scared sometimes and I doubt my instincts and feelings and I second guess trust. And my mind goes into self-protect mode and I begin to feel taken advantage of and handled so I push away. I pushed things to far too fast and I violated a boundary of comfort. I fucked up there. So I don’t know what’s real right now. I know that as an apprentice it’s my job to be forthright and open and honest. And I believe that mentorship is something that works both ways and we each learn from each other in a mutual energy exchange. But that exchange should never be demanded and I betrayed that. I’m horrified at myself for allowing that monster to run unchecked in me.
I have been lied to so long by so many that it seems I can’t tell the difference between truth and manipulation anymore. But that’s no excuse. And I find myself devastated that I can’t trust myself to be discerning enough for my own best benefit. I destroyed something incredibly valuable to me. I tried to protect myself by becoming accusatory and defensive instead of letting go and trusting. Something I am working hard on changing... but still not perfect at it. I may be more work than any single friend deserves and I’m definitely more work than any Master needs. It’s hard for me to let myself care about something and then feel like it was misplaced emotion. Like stupid me, you let it happen again. I may be better off alone for a while. I think for now it may be best that I just leave this community.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 19:57:52 GMT
As I Sith I strive to live what I learn in life. To do this I must be willing to exist outside my comfort zone, take chances and entertain risk. This is never an easy place to endure because it affords the potential for great sacrifice, devastating failure and overwhelming suffering. But it is also the place for amazing growth, triumphant success and the greatest of rewards. Most people will never be Sith because they look at these concepts as two opposing forces in their lives. They fear the dark side of these things and are envious of the light side. Fear holds most back from engaging in the pursuit of victory provided by the light because they abhor the pain inherent in the dark.
So they sit on the edge of the great river of life, just dipping their toe into its murky turbulent waters but refusing to ever dive in; sitting safely on the shores watching the waves of potential pass them by. As a Sith I do not view the river this way. I do not see the dark side of the river, the undertow, the rocks, the current, as a negative thing to be avoided. I see it as challenge, a chance to test myself and become stronger. I know that the only way to victory is through failure and that comes by diving in. And I will suffer and I will lose but I will persevere and I will gain my desired goals. These things are not opposing forces but all forces designed to make me stronger, more powerful. And that power will drive me forward to victory.
I have never feared failure but I have been programmed in other ways most of my life. In school I was typically culled from the herd because I was told I had great potential. I was put in algebra and biology classes while my friends went to general math and science. I was different in other ways as well. I was younger than most because I started school at 4 years old. As a result of these biological and social differences I was atypical and I was never really accepted by most of my peers. My isolation delayed the development of my social skills as well. And so when I entered into the adult world at 17 I was quickly labeled an idiot savant, amazing intellect but lacking social and emotional decorum. And I believed this about myself as well. But I was wrong.
I’m actually a deeply empathic individual. But because of my self-misevaluation early in life I became the perfect target for predators; narcissists that emotionally manipulate and then feed on empaths for their own selfish gains. They convinced me I needed them in my life because I was emotionally incapable of navigating it on my own. As an INFJ I already struggle to read when someone I love and trust is manipulating me. So it has been easy for the narcissists in my life to control this state of mind in me and use it to their advantage. And the result has damaged my emotional maturity.
Not knowing myself has led to many destructive relationships in my life. There is a natural attraction between an empath and a narcissist. But it’s a dangerous and one sided relationship in which the empath becomes the giver and the narcissist takes as much as they can, draining the empath. Given the emotional manipulation and selfish tendencies of the narcissist they hold an incredible amount of control over the empath. The narcissist exercises this control by building a trauma bond in the empath through a well-established abuse cycle.
This cycle consists first of idealization where the narcissist puts the empath on a pedestal and views them as someone who is perfect and can do no wrong. Next comes devaluation where the narcissist begins to put their partner down, often using verbal or physical abuse, and they will use physical intimacy or other such means as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim. Third in the cycle is rejection where the narcissist rejects their partner and places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner. Any flaw or insecurity the narcissist has gets projected onto the empath and the empath becomes convinced through gaslighting that they are the ones responsible for all the horrible behavior in the relationship and not the narcissist. Often times this cycle gets repeated over and over as the narcissist forms a trauma bond in the empath and uses that bond to suck them back into the relationship. The empath is looking for those good feelings again and wants to please their partner so they become susceptible to this enticement by the narcissist and the pattern starts again.
As an INFJ empath that had little awareness of my nature I have been particularly vulnerable to being a victim of this abuse. This has been my reality for most of my adult life. As a result I developed specific idiosyncrasies in behavior that have very specific trigger points based in past trauma. I have been abused emotionally, psychologically and physically by narcissists I was emotionally involved with. And I have had weapons used, both physical and psychological, against me by them. Not only was withholding physical affection a favorite of my last partner but there have been several that have used money as a weapon or as a tool to take advantage of me as well; so money became one of my unique idiosyncratic triggers.
Finding my true nature and uncovering and identifying these triggers has been a huge focus for me this year. Unfortunately it can become an even more painful process when I don’t see one until it blows up in my face. The event I’m referring to was the subject of my last post. I walked right into a perfect mental storm of seemingly innocuous events that my mind falsely interpreted as “affection-abuse-rejection” and I blew up my world.
But anything that is destroyed can be rebuilt and it can be rebuilt better than before. I believe this and this is why I am a Sith that desires to live what I learn. Along with this comes an epiphany in my thinking and a transformation in my behavior and thought patterns. I have recognized that destructive idiosyncrasy and it no longer holds power over me. I see it now for what it is, flawed fearful reactionary thinking. And I control it now and I chose to let it go and will never allow it to enter my life again. As a result I see the world differently now. I see suffering differently now and I see attachment differently now. I’m not sure if I can explain it but I see that I no longer have to suffer for attachment. A burden has been released from inside me - a chain broken. And it has changed me profoundly. I can take things as they come and release them as they go. My choices are my own and my experiences are my responsibility and that is all I need to concern myself with.
I am not sorry I went through the experience because from it I choose to grow and be better. I am stronger and more powerful in myself because I experienced that undertow in the river but I refused to allow it to drag me under. I am sorry that in the process my behavior hurt someone that has become very dear to me in my life. And I am willing to do whatever might be required to reprove myself to her. I am not leaving the community. I have good friends here that are supportive and understanding and I want to give that back to them. I crave completing the work required to gain the prowess I need to build and keep strong and stable relationships in my life. I will do this. I am doing this!
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:04:50 GMT
Telling someone with Complex PTSD to just get over it and act better or not get triggered is as ignorant as telling a depressed person to just snap out of it, stop being sad and try harder to be happy. I hear the stupidest statements all the time.
If you dont shape up I wont be your friend. You dont look like you have PTSD. It cant be that bad or It could be worse you know. Its just in your head and that makes it your fault. Just change it. You have to get out of my life until you heal and get better. Just let it go! You will get over it in time. Stop living in the past and you will be fine.
These are all Bullshit. Complex PTSD is caused by being subject to abuse, neglect, abandonment, manipulation, physical and emotional violence, projection and gaslighting from a loved relative or spouse over a great deal of time. The victims of such abuse are not aware of how their thoughts and feelings and beliefs are being affected over time. They develop a need to control their environment. They have experiences of reliving traumatic events through unwanted memories triggered by events in their environment. They have vivid nightmares. They have intense physical and emotional reactions when reminded of events. They experience intense helplessness and desperation and anxiety as well as anger, guilt, shame and disassociation; memory loss, detachment, loss of identity, depression, stress, loss of reality and inability to cope with everyday events result.
Emotional instability caused by this sort of trauma on this level takes years of deprogramming through counseling, patience, understanding and empathy. Stop fucking telling someone with complex PTSD to just get over it and be better.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:05:18 GMT
As a Sith I know life has no reason, no purpose... except what I create for myself. Beyond that I can't create reason for anyone else, that's up to them. I also can’t attribute reason for pain any more than I attribute a reason for life. Neither has any reason. The difference is that I can attribute reason to MY life and that reason gives me meaning enough to endure pain. This is not to say pain itself intrinsically makes one stronger. It is still a choice I have to let it make me stronger. Many don't choose this and end up broken. I choose to let it make me stronger by turning it to anger that I can channel into action. Action produces growth, greater strength and growth applied to the environment produces the power to make change.
Sometimes I choose that pain and sometimes I don’t. I choose pain to become stronger and if I do not choose pain but it comes anyway I can also choose to use it to become stronger. And through the use of strength I gain power. The power to enact change in my environment and the environments of those I care about. And that makes me happy. And yes, I make it up as I go along. Is that so bad to admit I don't have the answers figured out completely yet? People invent answers to life’s greatest questions to comfort themselves. I won't do that.
I can give you an example from my life. I am a martial artist. I trained for years under great masters but a few years ago I moved and lost access to any schools. Soon after I met a black belt and we became friends. Together he and I started our own school. But this person I thought was a friend was not. He was a narcissist that was taking emotional and economic advantage of me. When I finally set boundaries he abandoned me. That caused a great deal of pain for me because I loved him.
Now I had lost him, lost our school, and any ability to continue my training. The other students in our school were also lost. But instead of quitting or feeling sorry for myself I took that pain and turned it to anger. I organized the students and I started my own school, even though I was not qualified. I gave the students support and they supported me and we began to train each other, writing our own curriculum and recruiting new qualified people. I negotiated access to a facility to practice and I collected money, managed the school, bought new practice gear and advertised our school.
Today the school is growing. We have 4 new students this month alone. We are also on the verge of being accredited by a major federation (United Taeqwondo Association) which will give us the ability to certify black belts under our own training program that includes street fighting defense tactics and women's self-defense. We are even building a budding light sabre program as well as other weapons specialties.
This is the path to power for me. My school has gained reputation in the community. I have gained respect as a fighter. People come to me for advice. The police dept. wants us to put on women's self-defense seminars. The local recreation board has recruited me. This is power developed from pain that turned into anger and focused to build strength because of willingness to take on the responsibility and do the work. This gives me purpose, service to myself to be a better martial artist and passion to pass that to my community I care about. It's the reason I accept the pain but don't allow it to defeat me, only make me stronger. This is my path though and mine alone. I don't expect anyone else to understand it like I do and I don't try and force it onto others. Their passion is theirs to find, not mine to give them.
People have no true concept of this idea of Sith power. In fact most Sith don't understand it. They think power means money, manipulation, and control of people through oppression, magical powers or believing they can live forever. That's all bullshit. True power comes from respect and willingness to serve and building empires that people want to be a part of, not forced to join. The effort to build a new school from scratch is overwhelming and daunting. I have been frustrated, overjoyed, devastated, and in tears many times. But it's worth it and I never give up. I still have a long way to go but I am the one to carry us into the future, and I will succeed. That is victory that gives freedom to me. And freedom is my meaning in life.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:07:08 GMT
The idea of a universal love for all is not something I could ever accept. It is through tribes and competition that humans evolve, not universal acceptance. Universal acceptance will doom the species to stagnation. I believe the only way we are going to survive as a species is through a new world order where a tribe (or two) will rise to power and take us off this planet in a unified goal (or through competition of two powers). Anything short of that and humans are doomed to extinction as a species. If you have watched the matrix it was not the universal love of humanity that gave "The One" the power to transform the system. It was the specific unconditional love of an individual that Neo had for Trinity that gave him the power to break the cycle, make a different choice and thus changed the world.
As for having a multitude of gifts bestowed upon me that I should feel obligated to try and give as much back as I can. I find this concept ridiculous. Gravity and oxygen are not gifts. They are functions of physics. They were not created for me to enjoy or partake of. Humans evolved to fit the existing system not the other way around. It takes "agency" to be able to bestow a gift. I have never seen any evidence of such an agent’s existence. Life is as much a curse as a bounty. It takes both and then I have to decide what I do with that. Wallow in the curses or carve out my own rewards.
Also I don’t understand this idea of "devotion to something higher". What is this higher thing? Is there any evidence that any such thing exists and if so how does one define it and what are its attributes? Surrender to ignorance is not something I will ever entertain. Ignorance is opportunity not something to be feared. If I don’t pursue mu own ignorance and try to conquer it what am I even doing? Ignoring this idea smacks of religious dogma and the entertainment of superstition. I want something more and I won’t waste my time trying to find some higher entity to worship. I have limited time and it’s just not worth it.
New Agers call me unenlightened because of these ideas and have tried very hard to convert me and "bring me up to their level". That's fine, I love the ideas they have and it’s fun to study them to a degree. But I do believe my way is the enlightened way, the way to bring change to the world, the way to truly save humanity and that people that espouse the ideas above like pursuit of a higher power are missing the point. I'm not a new ager and I don’t buy into all the things they promote about universal peace and crystal power or psychic abilities and great Gods that rule over us in love. It’s just not me and I doubt it ever will be.
Humans have outgrown this planet as a species and it’s only a matter of time before they squeeze themselves out of existence. Humans are not destroying this planet. They are transforming it for the next great species to take over that will be adapted to what this planet becomes. That is how evolution and nature work and all the universal love in the universe will not stop that. Humanity is not special or unique as a species and no great power is watching over us and taking care of us as long as it is worshiped enough. Our species are simple animals, alone and responsible for ourselves. Humanity will either figure this out and get busy, or they will die. Same goes for any "individual" in any tribe or pack or herd anywhere.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:07:26 GMT
The problem with the Will to Power
The Will to Power has been a cornerstone teaching in the Sith world for many years now. But the concept has always presented issues in its philosophy. The main reason for this is because power in and of itself does not provide actual freedom as the Sith code implies. Physical wealth, corporate or political empires, even legacy building or ideas of immortality does not provide for freedom. Freedom is actually a woefully misunderstood term when it comes to the Sith Code. I am beginning to find that “Will to Power” is only one piece in a triad of concepts that make up a new Sith concept called “Will to Meaning”.
WILL TO MEANING (~Victor Frankl) Character (strength) will to live Control (power) will to power Unattachment (freedom) Will to happiness
Using this new triad, Sith can now focus pursuits outside themselves for empire building but also internally for worldview building. This gives them the ability to attain and retain freedom even if empires crumble or if physical freedom is not achievable. It is in changing ones attitude toward suffering that this becomes possible. I have struggled with this for years but some recent experiences have led me to this realization. This post will be just an introduction. I will write more on this in the future.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:07:46 GMT
Know why you’re doing something as a Sith. Do not self-deceive. Self-improvement is not a religion nor is it a means to an end. Self-improvement for the sake of self-improvement in and of itself is a lie as much as peace is. Self-improvement is actually a side effect of passion not a central drive. I don't improve myself through myself. That is navel gazing and that's what Jedi do. I improve myself as a consequence of my desire to hunt within my passion.
I don't focus on myself. I focus on my passion. My passion drives me forward to action. The only self-reflection needed is overcoming the fear. Once that is put behind me I find joy simply in the hunt. Improvement is a consequence of that as I strive to get the best of my prey. I will never be better than I am right now (self-improved) without the hunt and the desire to kill what I chase regardless of previous failure.
There is no such thing as "a better version of myself" than exists right now. Meaning I can't fail to be the best person I can be at any point in time. That’s who I am and I will not condemn myself or beat myself up because of it. This is accepting myself without guilt or shame from external sources. And as a Sith I know that because I hunt and will never give up, that best person I am in the future will be better than the best person I am now. This is what it means to be Sith.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:08:16 GMT
So many people in this community want to prove they are special. That they have skills or powers or personality traits that most others don't have. But it's not these things that make one special. Idiosyncratic behaviours based on past experience alone... What are they and how do we break them?
Its not our combination of traits that make us unique. It's our experience of those traits and our awareness of our resultant behaviour that defines us as individuals worthy of attention.
I have had a pattern of attention seeking that has been instilled in me from years of abusive relationships. If I disengage or pull away, I am punished. if I engage and defend myself I am punished. If I lash out and attack I become a monster.
My recourse for this has been to become a slave. A slave to others moral paradigms, to frustration, unrealistic perceptions skewed to make me the victim... and helpless. Because of this I have resorted to manipulation to try and control my environment as well as others around me.
This came in the form of playing the victim and then pushing others away as a form of trying to gain sympathy or negative attention. If that attention was given I had won. And if it was not given I had an excuse to justify my sinister behavior.
I was programmed... programmed to react in certain ways. But something shifted recently... I have been examining my life from a peaceful warriors point of view. "Socrates" says, a Warrior acts while a fool only reacts. He's right. My feelings and reactions have been automatic and predictable. My life has been determined by my thoughts and my emotions and my past. I have been asleep. And I knew what to do yesterday, but I failed to follow through. And that dissapointment in myself has been profound. I want to be able to create my life spontaneously from now on. This is my path forward. I will become that peaceful warrior.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:08:41 GMT
LITTLE-WOLF
Little-wolf is struggling. This time has always been a celebration of life for her and the pack and her mate. Last year her mate abandoned her, telling her she no longer mattered and was repulsive. This hurt little-wolf deeply. She turned to her pack for support but they rejected her because her values were a bit different than the packs. Instead of being accepted she was denied. A year has passed now and Little-wolf has found a new pack. But the pain of her rejection... betrayal by her mate, still lingers. Little-wolf and her mate were strong because they celebrated life at this time together. Now Little-wolf is alone, and her new pack tells her this time is not a celebration of life at all but a celebration of DEATH!!
Little-wolf does not understand, but she has no one else so she conforms... but she does not agree, and she is angry... even in a rage! Confused and rejected and denied... alone. What should Little-wolf do? How do I help her work through the pain and keep her from biting and scratching other people? They won't understand her actions are not because she is bad but because she is scared and hurting and doesn't know how to express the emotion any other way?
Little-wolf wakes with great anxiety. At the edge of her bed sits dread. Why is dread here? Had she killed something over the night as a werewolf would without remembering? Would her actions return to haunt her? Or is something waiting for her in the future she has failed to detect? She looks at dread once again and recognizes it. In the dim light dreads presence activates Fight or Flight. Should Little-wolf run? No, Dread causes her to freeze in place. She denies the world around her. A sickly sweet copper taste is in her mouth.
“No”, she thinks. Instead of letting it terrorize her, she decides to hunt it.
Slowly I begin to stalk Dread. It is a scary quarry for me. Dread feels like an anchor tied to my soul in the middle of my chest, dragging me down to some unknown abyss. Dread feels of impending cold absent the possibility of warmth, smells of death, is blindingly white, and sounds of a never ending wind that wants to drive me insane slowly over time. The taste is acrid, no other taste beyond this; like licking the poles of a charged battery. Dread is moving though a jungle of steel and glass that is full of others. It is dark here and full of monsters... one I fear I am one of. I am very far from my home in the forest. I long to be there and alone, but I continue to push forward in the hunt. I stalk the creature, following its hoof prints that are reflecting my trepidation in the grime.
I round a corner and catch sight of my quarry. I shrink down and freeze like a rabbit that has caught a cougars eye. A low growl escapes my lips. It was involuntary and it surprises me. My heart is in a noose that is growing ever tighter. We stare at each other. The beast is beautiful, tall, powerful, and muscular with large brown eyes and flowing mane and tail. How could this thing be dangerous? It is beautiful and seems as frightened of me as I am of it. I watch it in fascination as it moves gracefully around, slowly, deliberately. It wants something but I don’t know what. Then it charges…
Dreads hooves pound the concrete and tramples all that I try to create. It radiates fury and terror. Its bloody hooves are scarred and bleeding obviously the result of its desperation and frustration. It is terrified and yet enraged, does it mean to kill me? It radiates fear and frustration and anxiety. This penetrates my aura like a swarm of bees that there is no defense against no matter how much you swat at them... no matter how many you kill there are always more. She is so powerful, so majestic, so overwhelming. As she approaches, each step creates a black puff, a deathly stench of death. I wonder to myself, why I have chosen to try and hunt such a magnificent and powerful and dark creature. She will devour me, there is no doubt. I must run!!
Suddenly I am the prey. I am knocked over and I am consumed with worry and fear and anxiety as I find myself on the creatures back, the noose of the rope now around my neck and my hands tied. I can’t breathe. My chest is on fire. I am in danger of being hung and my only support is the now nervous and anxious creature beneath me. I feel it move slightly and I coax it back gently. Now the game begins. It’s only a matter of time before the animal I now rely on for life gets angry or hungry or bored and moves away, leaving me swinging in that abyss to slowly die.
How long can I convince the creature to remain under me? I look down and see the beasts brown eyes. It’s calming somehow. There is gentleness there, like it does not want to be in this situation any more than I. What if we can work together to free both of us? It will take trust. Do I have enough? I begin to understand dread as part of myself, not a monster to fear but one to learn to recognize as friend and work with. It will take effort… maybe more than I can give. But I believe I can take from this beast’s power to strengthen myself and I can give to this beast peace so that it may free itself as well. It seems to understand and we begin the effort to work together. Its beauty and comforting ways lure me to slumber in the process; causing me to desire its embrace as I fall into a peaceful sleep. I want it to take me... but I cannot allow it. I MUST STAY AWAKE!! But for what? I can't remember now?
I awake in a great forest; the forest of my mind. Dread exists as a great draft horse inside me. She is fascinating to watch now that we have left the steel jungle and she is grazing in the forest. Dread does not seem to want to threaten me here. Her hooves, once bloody and filthy, have been scrubbed clean by the tall grass. She no longer roars but nickers and in those sounds I hear things; messages that I have not been able to hear before. I realize that Dread was not trying to hurt me; she has been in a panic for me.
I have lived in a world of animosity and abuse for so long that have I assumed a natural and constant state of fight or flight; perceiving everything as a possible threat. And I have adopted, and refused to give up, certain personality traits and behaviors, some of which are self-destructive. They have been my escape and a point of pride; my islands of safety and escape and protection in a world of hurt. Dread asks me one simple question.
“What does Vixen look like if I gave up those things I have been desperately clinging to?”
I have never considered even contemplating this question before. I had chained myself to these things so tightly I never considered trying to escape from them. Now I am for the first time. I’m beginning to look at things differently. These things have not been positive areas of my life but negative ones and the result is Dread desperately trying to get me to see this. I have been lying to myself and denying truths of my situation for too long and Dread was about to go insane because of it. Now she is calmer because I stopped to pay her attention instead of running in fear.
I don’t know what Vixen looks like without these things. But I am determined to break those chains and find out. No longer will I allow myself to be controlled. I want to take charge of every aspect of my life. I think with Dread now at my side I can accomplish this! Words like non-attachment, peace or suffering do nothing to adequately describe this place I have found myself. I am still much attached but I no longer feel the need to let myself be out of control. I accept events and learn to take them into my reality on my terms not its terms. I don’t have a sense of peace but an urgency to be whole and complete in a foundation that I can build on at my will. Suffering is still there but now I see I can control the narrative instead of the thoughts that form in my head about the emotions I feel. I want to be with the emotion now, not the thought that follows. The thoughts bring undue cyclic suffering. The emotion brings growth out of the suffering.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:09:06 GMT
A Peaceful Warrior
I'm watching a new kind of warrior series this week. In addition to Kung Fu and peaceful warrior and a new book on shaolin Kung Fu philosophy, I am watching the John Wick movies. I see a theme in many of these ideas developing. A warrior, born of violence and vengeance, that chooses peace. But that peace is always broken by some cause that the warrior can never relinquish. Maybe this is such as life? Are we all destined to have to face the fight no matter how hard we try to be peaceful? The warrior in the garden comes to mind here. Nothing can ever stay in the garden. All must face the chaos outside. Better to be prepared for this eventuality rather than ignore it and pretend it does not exist and it will never come to visit us.
I'm seeing a deeper theme here; even the Jedi, who by all intents and purposes were "peaceful warriors”, fought in the clone wars. They were "forced from their garden" to protect democracy. For Caine in Kung Fu, he is forced to fight and even kill many times to protect his freedom. He could end the struggle by surrendering but his search for his roots overpower that decision; his own "search for himself". For Sergei, who forgave Dmitri for his crimes against him it was his daughter that brought him back into the fight. Sergei's search for part of himself he had lost. Even the Shaolin Monks fought for many emperors of many dynasties in many conflicts to keep their empires intact. As for John Wick, well it’s an action movie so lots of violence and cool shoot outs and car chases but at a deeper level I see it as his struggle to regain parts of his own soul. Some parts have been killed; (dog) others taken (car) and still others lost to his own past. By chasing these parts down and "making peace" with them he is rebuilding himself into a whole person again.
Sometimes the fight is internal and sometimes it is external. And battles must be VERY carefully chosen and fought wisely with full understanding of the consequence. This is the difference I think between just a fighter and a peaceful warrior. This also leads into Siths pursuit of Passion. What is that singular passion that will define one? There are also aspects of “will to meaning”. The fight must mean something, transcend some otherwise mundane existence. It’s always a personal thing in this regard and no one else is expected to understand or should understand. And as Sun Tzu teaches, the battles must be fought wisely. Sometimes retreat is the wisest choice.
I think the peaceful warrior does neither. They don’t seek fights or start fights. They seek a deeper purpose, A will to meaning in their lives. And in this path the obstacles that stand in their way of this search become those fights both internal and sometimes external. I hesitate to say it but its peace through superior firepower lol.
“You can’t truly call yourself “peaceful” unless you’re capable of great violence, if you’re not capable of violence you’re not peaceful, you’re harmless”
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 6, 2024 20:09:25 GMT
I do not wish any situation or emotion in my life to be any different than it is because I cant change it or control it and so wishing for something to be a different way that cant be changed causes me suffering. Instead I accept it as a part of my reality and just deal with it, even make it agreeable by having the awareness of it and being prepared for its presence in my life from time to time. Emotions are wild things and they cant be tamed, but instead of fearing them I sit with them, perhaps at a distance at first and get to know them and understand them. Eventually even building that relationship of trust so I and the emotion can work together instead of fight one another or fear one another. I listen to the emotion and watch it, trying to understand what it is telling me about myself.
Words like non-attachment, peace or suffering do nothing to adequately describe this place I have found myself. I am still very attached but dont feel the need to let myself be out of control. I accept the event and learn to take it into my reality on my terms not its terms. I dont have a sense of peace but an urgency to be whole and complete in a foundation that I can build on at my will. Suffering is still there but now see I can control the narrative and not the thoughts that form in my head about the emotions I feel. I want to be with the emotion now, not the thought that follows. The thoughts bring undue cyclic suffering. The emotion brings growth out of the suffering.
This is the way of a peaceful warrior.
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