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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 23, 2024 22:53:32 GMT
ON SELF HONESTY
If I am to be honest with myself I must admit that I have an unfiltered nature. But I don't see that as anything to be ashamed of. I think it allows people to know where I stand and what I think. This can piss people off sometimes, but is that my fault? I don't think so since I believe each person is responsible for their own actions and reactions. This doesn't mean I don't have control over what I say and how I say it. I am a martial artist and run a small school. A big part of the curriculum is teaching self awareness, situational awareness and de-escalation. This makes me a peacekeeper among my friends. I am also the one that talks their way out of bar fights and keeps others safe more times than not. Finishing a fight is just as challenging as staying out of a fight if I find myself in a volatile situation. It's not the conflict I enjoy, it's the challenge; In this case a challenge to de-escalate. Anyone can fight, I want to see if I can walk away when emotions are high without having to fight. I've also gained the wisdom to be political at work and in social settings. I have honed the intuition to know what will benefit me and what will not. So I have climbed the corporate ladder by company hopping, Finding myself at the highest position of my profession. So I am driven by passion toward excellence. The power I have gained at work is delicate but intoxicating and my position affords me a great deal of autonomy, which I enjoy. I don't do well under the yoke of a micromanaging supervisor. But there are times when I allow myself the pleasure of pushing people's buttons and playing them against each other. My social life is even more so because the risk is less and so I get to play harder with less potential consequence. I will take a controversial political position to start a debate and watch how the chips fall. Most times I learn to better defend my argument and I learn something about the subject and myself. When people get passionate they get raw. And they get real. And that gets me off. I know that will never change for me. It is also why I am a good beta. I can give the spotlight to the alphas unless they are absent or consistently fucking up. Then I have no issues confronting them and taking charge of a situation. And what I have said may lead you to believe I am a sociopath. But just the opposite is true. I am an empath. I don't hate humans, but I despise humankind as a species and consider most humans something beneath what I am. That does not mean I don't interact with them and are friends with them. But secretly I despise their unevolved behaviors and lack of drive toward excellence. It makes me shiver inside. I'm also not a narcissist. I know this seems contradictory, given my above description, but as an empath I'm actually preyed upon by narcissists. I will kill myself for them just to make them feel better and if I can't I will blame myself for failing. Given this, I believe its plain to see I'm not arrogant. What I am is a perfectionist and an empath. But somewhere in there I'm also an elitist because I not only have a natural drive for perfection, I have a tolerance for abuse that is beyond compare in the name of a person I love. I think my behavior does not stem from the fact that I am miserable and want to make others miserable. It is a conditioned behavior from my life where I learned there are social hierarchies and in those hierarchies there are those with power and those without power. In school the athletes had the favor of everyone including adults because they were stronger and faster than others. I was not like that so I was picked on a lot. But it did not keep me down. I joined the Marines and I got to reinvent myself in any image I desired. And I desired to experience becoming the biggest asshole I could. It gained me acceptance into social groups I had previously been denied access to. This fight for my place in life has never changed. The natural hierarchy of power never leaves. I don't consider most worthy of the elite status I have obtained because I don't believe most have the character to fight for it as hard as I have. The jedi mentality of harmony and peace disgusts me because my experience tells me it's not real. It's a fake construct. I want something that is real. Something that exists in nature, a competition and an understanding of power in society; that nothing is fair in life and you have to fight for what you earn. Not have it given to you.
When nothing is left sacred, then everything becomes sacred. I believe this. So I will say fuck or call someone an asshole just because it offends them! I find it stupid and petty of them to be offended by such a trivial thing. I have watched horrors and cruelty and atrocities greater than most can imagine. And a word has no effect on me. But because it does mean something for others it becomes a tool of power for me and I don't care about the consequences. The power is a stronger draw than being a member of a community I don't believe in.
Through this I have developed a symbiotic relationship with my shadow self, what I call my Dragon. And the civilized half, the higher logical thinking part, the Rider. From the Rider comes drive and purpose and direction and from the Dragon comes passion and emotion and power. But these are just personifications of processes inside this body. What makes a perfect dark sider for me? A perfectly balanced mutually beneficial symbiosis of the two halves. When this can be achieved the combination of two pure halves is unbeatable.
And integration or “rising above” the shadow is not the answer. I believe the concept of integration sacrifices the purity of the intimate relationship between logic and emotion. I have been told that integration completes “the self”. But I don't believe in this concept. There is no actual “self” that exists in the middle of my head. It is an illusion experienced through the process of time. My being is not a thing, it is a process; an organic machine whose individual parts function together to create the productivity of the machine. This is the essence of the thought experiment called “The ship of Theseus”.
I am not afraid of the potential of my darkness. In fact I embrace it. I do not feel it is something I must control or in some way make obedient. The rider does not control the dragon and the dragon does not control the rider. They work together and learn about each other's nature. Each has its own power and its own will. By becoming familiar with that, getting to know each other, becoming intimate with each other, and befriending each other so that a place of mutual respect forms, they come into agreement. This is a place of cooperation where each takes leads from the other.
I believe this is a viable place and a natural place that has been lost because of the trappings of society. And don't get me wrong; I'm not advocating for a place of anarchy or evil. In fact, I don't believe in evil and I enjoy society. But society is only a thin veneer of what lies beneath. And what I know lies beneath my thin veneer, the mask I show to the world, is a place of extreme individuality, passion and will, where natural justice is placed first in my life. |
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 25, 2024 22:48:03 GMT
Darkness is not an obedient German Shepard dog highly trained and conditioned as an attack dog, a military or police dog, or a family pet.
Darkness is the velospraptor whose respect I have earned by being forthright, honest and open with her. In turn the raptor has learned as much from me as I have from it. It is the shadow self that compliments the persona in perfect balanced mutual respect and honor of the other.
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 26, 2024 0:21:52 GMT
INTEGRATION OR SYMBIOSIS
My mind is made up of personified structures that interact with one another in my inner world. There is the persona, that aspect of myself I present to the outer world. This is what I and others believe I am. These are the masks that I wear so that I can survive and interact in the various societies I chose to interact with. There is the anima/animus, that aspect that rules the inner world. This is what I truly believe, my true opinions, unfiltered thoughts and judgements. There is the ego which is the executive part of my personality. It is based in the corporeal and drives the fulfillment of physical wants, desires and needs. Things such as food, shelter, sex, companionship and acceptance are managed here. Finally there is the shadow, that part of myself where guilt and shame reside as well as feelings of inferiority and repression. It also contains instinct, my animal self, morally reprehensible tendencies but also contains appropriate reactions to untenable situations, realistic insights and creative impulses. It is the black and formless, sometimes undeveloped or unwanted aspects of my personality. But it is also a treasure trove of amazing thoughts that challenge culturally determined ideas and collective cultural values. The shadow aspect opposes the conscious persona. The shadow, when properly acknowledged, facilitates the diminishment of guilt and shame and represents an honest approach to my needs wants and desires. It is the source of choice in my life. These aspects of my personality are not things that can be domesticated and controlled through obedience and conditioning. They can't be assimilated or integrated into "the self". This is because the self is an illusion. There is no single entity sitting in the middle of my brain that is me. I am not a thing, I am a process, a process of functions and components and routines and subroutines that all work seamlessly together through the medium of time. The result of this is the constant internal dialogue I experience within myself. This in turn gives rise to the illusion of a conscious "self". The input of these various mechanisms combine constantly, producing positive loving feelings and fantasies as well as negative hostile feelings. The output of these combined processes, when balanced, creates a balanced individual. And when they are not balanced, such times as when trauma is introduced, they produce an output that can be defensive, angry, submissive or be dominated by feelings of fight or flight or rage. During these times the trickster may emerge; That process that turns the meaningless into the meaningful. Soldiers on the battlefield or those that find themselves in life of death situations often experience this. This is the dragon that becomes active. Its duplicitous and sexually rampant nature is untamed. It is based in fertility, lust and cruelty, murderous tendencies, avarice, and diabolical and melancholic hunger. But it also takes possession of my more civilized characteristics, trying to get them to listen and learn. It is the protective monster in me that is outraged but desires to be quieted and comforted back to a state of balance. This internal state of balance, or unbalance, is in constant Flux because I am in constant Flux. This is because of the component of time in my life. The idea of a static integration is a lie because of this dimension of time. Instead I am in one of 3 states at any moment in time; that of mutualism, where all aspects benefit from their interaction, that of commensalism, where one aspect benefits and others are not affected, as may be required at times, or that of parasitism where one aspect benefits and the others are affected negatively. This is also a necessary consequence of episodes of extreme trauma that can bring disassociation. When this happens the end goal of the other aspects must be to bring things back to a mutualism standing. But this is a process, once again, that takes understanding, courage and time as well as the understanding of others. The constant and energetic end goal of Symbiosis is a place of dynamic self acceptance, self forgiveness, and self responsibility. It's about a continual process, driven by the experiencing of time and events, of sorting out what belongs to whom and evaluating personal values that are set in contrast to a collective social morality. And then having the courage to act on those personal values. Are there absolute taboos in the universe? Are such things as pedophilia, rape, murder or torture absolutely wrong? Were events in my life that hurt me evil? If so, why? What is evil? Who dictates these standards? These are the questions that I, as Sith, ask of my darkness! Ultimately I must know that the answers can only come from within myself. And the answers are ones I must be comfortable with. So is there a source of good and evil in the world that exists outside of the social constructs humans have invented that define such things? Or are humans just another form of animal, only answerable to themselves alone and no act, violent or loving, matters in the end. Or perhaps humans may be somewhere in between? These are the questions I explore. And I seem to be one of very few that will ever openly admit this to myself or to others because the result of this is often communal exile. But I chose the risk of exile over disingenuous behavior. Its not wrong to explore these dark aspects of my personality. In fact its the only way I will ever truly know myself and my capabilities. |
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Post by VixensVengeance on Apr 26, 2024 20:55:29 GMT
INTOLERANCE IN THE FORCE COMMUNITY
I think hearing others stories gives each of us the courage to break out from the norm and try and build a new kind of community for ourselves that is free of the mistakes of the past. The problem I see over and over though is that those brave enough to venture out on their own end up relying on the same people from other communities that already made the mistakes. And then politics comes into play where the new leaders are slowly conditioned into believing that popularity has to trump quality. And then they abandon their principles in favor of "playing the game". All this leads to is corruption, compromise and mediocre outcomes.
This place I have built has never succumbed to that. Sure we are small but we are honest and functional and free of corruption. This is because we are all equals here and I expect to learn as much from each of you as I hope you gain from me. There are no ranks here and no "teachers". This is because we are each masters in our own right and both teachers and students.
Quote:
"I own everything that happens to me. I will tell my story as I see it. If others wanted me to speak kindly about them then they should have behaved better."
My story in this community goes back over a decade. And many of the details have been lost to the intricacies of the internet. I'm not going to rehash them here except to say, that for some reason, the Force Community has become my community of choice. I am not a Gamer... I am a real life Sith! But I have also come to despise the titles I have earned in this corrupt community. Titles like knight, Jedi, Sith, and Jedaii. This is because of all the vile and disgusting people it associates me with. It's hard to put into words what it's like to have a passion for a worldview in a community, only to have it rejected by that community because of intolerance and rigidity and political maneuvering; and then being forced to seek that path alone.
I have trusted others... mentors, friends, and peers. But I find that over and over that I’m pressured into just blindly following a predefined path that has been laid out before me that others "feel is best for me". However it is a path I ultimately don't believe in. But I'm told it's wrong to question this because these people "know better". And when I ask for credentials they get defensive and argumentative and blame me for starting an argument. I am disgusted by such leaders in a community with no standards or credentials or proof of training. It's cult mentality. I'm told I will be supported as long as I "never give up". But political backstabbing and secret sects always win out in the end.
So I am silenced over and over by excommunication, shunned by those I trusted. So I cut ties, hoping to never see them again. But the community is small and now I have been labeled as a misfit and trouble maker. So with each new community I try to become a part of it begins again. And the frustration builds, the biased opinions and unfair treatment take their toll and I lash out, strike back, hoping this new leadership will see the injustice I am enduring. But all it ever does is reinforce the biased opinions. They never see the wrong they are doing and the pain they are causing.
I now live with the anxiety that comes with entering each new community and then being recognized. And I experience the games they play. I'm singled out as they probe my defenses, trying to get me to admit to past interactions. And when I don't reveal them I am labeled as dishonest. But I still continue forward, hoping things this time will be different. But when the confrontation finally comes and I am questioned about past behaviors there is the overwhelming panic that sets in. And I have no way to reconcile it in my mind. My capacity to deflect the shock and others superior attitude is limited... and I break.
This comes from a Sith that has spent years reconciling my dragon self with my rider. I have no shame, no guilt, I am unapologetically who I am. This is in spite of how much others "on the internet" try to tell me I am broken. I know I am functionally whole, because I know I have done the work. I am also 10 years into this journey and I am at an end. Others like Luciana have come to this place. I feel the effects of the abuse that comes from ignorance and cult like group think mentality and I am just done. I hope that by telling my story here that others can read these words and know they are not alone.
I weep for the wretched people in this community that are so young and naive, never having experienced true loss or pain. People that are trying to tell me they are morally and intellectually superior. I reject them and instead reach out to brothers and sisters that have been put in exile like me. You are welcome here. We are a band of solitary seekers that will never compromise our own path in the name of conformity. We will never tolerate a community based on hatred, bigotry and intolerance.
You all have witnessed what has happened in these communities; the injustice, corrupt politics, cliques, and coercion that has gone down. Now at the Force Dojo, to destroy a great thing... over me?; who the fuck am I? It's the last straw. The people that would do this are not seeking knowledge or wisdom. They are seeking power and influence and control. Realize these people are not there to help you! And so each of us must help ourselves!
Spread this message far and wide. Now the choice is yours. Build your empire as you see fit! But also join me in a new vision of tolerance and acceptance!
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Post by Forceuser on Apr 26, 2024 22:21:10 GMT
Thank you for speaking up.
And expressing what some of us can...
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