Kyrins Jedi Apprentice Training Journal - Senan

LESSON 2 – Control Dramas
1. I'm particularly interested in your thoughts about which of these you may recognize in yourself and which Jedi here may be more likely to display.
2. How can we use our understanding of these Control Dramas to improve ourselves and help others?

(References included at the bottom)




James Redfield, the creator of the concept of “control dramas” is an American author, lecturer, screenwriter and film producer. He has a master's degree in counseling and spent more than 15 years as a therapist to abused adolescents. During this time, he was drawn into the “Human Potential/New Age movement” and turned to it for theories about intuitions and psychic phenomena that he felt might help his clients. In 1992 Redfield self-published his first novel, called The Celestine Prophecy, which details “9 spiritual insights” that he feels one most go through to help an individual establish a connection with the divine. One of these insights talks about what he calls “Control Dramas”. But in order to understand the origin of Redfield’s Control Dramas an explanation of these 9 insights is required.

Insight One
There is a mysterious way in which life evolves because there is something immaterial underlying everything we do. Currently there is an “awakening” to this truth that is happening with humans. We perceive this as a growing recognition that coincidences in our lives are not really coincidences at all but actually synchronistic events facilitated by this underlying spiritual fabric.

Insight Two
Humans are currently in the process of constructing a new perception of the world they live in. in the past, religion dictated much of our perception of reality, placing human kind at the center of the universe in a war of good and evil. This gave us meaning to life. Then science emerged to redefine a new meaning of life. However as a result we fell into materialism and the pursuit of possessions. We have now achieved that but it has actually caused us to also lose all meaning to life. This is now coming full circle as we once again begin to look beyond institutional science to find answers from a variety of internal sources.

Insight Three
This insight begins to describe a new view of the universe, one being made completely of energy. This is a subtle energy, undetected by science that forms the basis of all things. This energy actually responds to how we think. It is malleable to human intention and expectation can be consciously caused to flow out into the world and affect other energy systems. These energy systems interact through blending, depletion or absorption of one another. We can sense this energy interaction though an enhanced heightened sensitivity to beauty because it is on the same wavelength as this energy. People, animals, plants, ecosystems etc that have a high level of this energy appear particularly beautiful. By becoming aware of these fields (auras in humans for example), we become able to notice when and how we give and receive energy.

Insight Four
We as humans have been unconsciously competing for this energy that flows between people. We draw it from each other and attempt to block those that want to draw it from us. This leads to many nasty interactions in which we will actually age each other in the completion for energy.

Insight Five
In actually this competition for energy is unnecessary because there is actually an infinite source of subtle energy. Instead of drawing from each other energy can be drawn from the infinite universe, creating a sense of love. Through the energy of love we can create symbiotic energy flows between ourselves and the object of our love. In particular, we can acquire more by eating plants which have high energy levels. And we can ensure that the plants have high energy levels by paying attention to them, by giving them energy. This allows for connections to greater sources of energy and facilitates meaningful connections or synchronicity from the first insight. This is the essence of the mystical experience and causes us to exist at a higher state of vibration.

Insight Six
In order to be in a state of love with the world we have to break with old patterns of behavior we developed to take energy from others. This is where the “control dramas” comes in. These are descriptions of these patterns of behavior to extract energy from others.

These control dramas include:
• Poor me - The most passive of the control dramas is the victim strategy, or what I have called the Poor Me. In this drama, rather than competing for energy directly, the person seeks to win deference and attention through the manipulation of sympathy.

• The Aloof - A slightly less passive control drama. We see someone using this strategy in a conversation when we realize we can't really get a straight answer. The person we are talking to is distant, detached, and cryptic in her responses.

• The Interrogator - A more aggressive control drama, one that is pervasive in modern society, is that of the Interrogator. In this manipulation strategy, one uses criticism to gain energy from others. We always get a distinct feeling that we are being monitored. Simultaneously, we may feel as though we are being cast in the role of someone who is inadequate, or unable to handle our own lives.

• The Intimidator - The most aggressive control drama is the Intimidator's strategy. We can tell when we enter the energy field of such a person because we not only feel drained or uncomfortable; we feel unsafe, perhaps even in danger. The world turns ominous, threatening, out of control. The Intimidator will say and do things that suggest she might erupt in rage or violence at any moment. She may tell stories of harming others or show us the extent of her anger by breaking furniture or throwing items across the room.

However we can let go of, or “clear”, these dramas simply by being conscious of them and realizing the higher truth behind our control drama fantasy. We must understand our parents' control dramas and how these shaped ours. Then we must learn what meaning our parents' lives had for us, and how this determines our own developmental work. The things we would change about our parents - individually and together - are what we need to work on in our own lives. If we can do this we can become a synthesis of our parent’s unconscious teachings without any negative emotions to hamper us.

Insight Seven
Once you are cleared of Control Dramas you can build energy through contemplation and meditation. Focus on the basic life question, who am I, and begin a steady stream of energetic intuition, dreams and synchronistic coincidences that will guide you to your own evolution and transformation. From here other basic questions will emerge, what do I want, what is happiness etc. These questions all pertain to the larger life question, who am I. This centers us on our life path and our intuition will supply the answers we need. Once we are aware of these answers, we need only watch for meaningful coincidences to show us how to act on them.

Insight Eight
Others in our lives may bring us the answers we seek. And in this interaction we can aid them as well. Every person has a message for us and us for them. We should give them energy and help them get clear so that they can accurately deliver these messages. This is done by naming others control dramas and thus breaking them down to help them get clear. This is a cooperative interaction in which we facilitate each other’s evolution. Children should be raised without control dramas by having unfettered access to an adult that can give them the energy they need. By raising each other up in this way we can raise ourselves to a higher awareness of our lives. However in this we need to avoid codependent relationships in which we have addictions to other people. The subtle energy has a male and female side. If you can access one and someone else the other, then for a short time the couple can be filled with energy. But the focus on the other person eventually cuts each off from the universal energy. The two will begin competing for energy, restarting control dramas. This is the falling-in-love/falling-out-of-love phenomenon. So it is important to be whole in both male and female energies before connecting with another. Connecting with another in this way creates a “super-person”.

Insight Nine
Humans can then consciously participate in their own evolution by living according to their intuition. This guides them in such a way as to increase their energy. Population decreases so much that most of the world can be allowed to return to wilderness, creating old-growth forests full of energy. Our technology will do more of our work for us which allows us to focus on our own spiritual growth. People will consume less and work less so that they can work on their evolution and so when people come into our lives at just the right time to give us the answers we need, we should give them money. In doing these things we can increase our bodily vibration to a level much higher than the dimension of this current plain. We can then consciously move into a higher dimensional frequency of our universe. In doing this we would literally disappear from the visible perception of others that exist in this lower frequency. Jesus was the first to accomplish this but also the entire Mayan race.

Obviously this entire premise has no substance whatsoever and is nothing more than vague new age ideas about physic energy. Redfield has no original concepts of his own but instead is just regurgitating slightly modified versions of older concepts. He talks about synchronicity which is just another form of Karma or the Hermetic law of attraction or return. They are nothing more than a measure of the likeliness that an event will occur. As humans we are pattern seekers and because of this we often see correlations that are not really there. We perceive a desired output based on some positive input that is facilitated by some outside source that takes care of a problem for us. But in actuality we really have no control over these coincidences, leaving them with no practical or predictive value, because we don’t build these patterns until after the fact. This allows us to substitute any input for any output and thus build this self-deceptive illusion.

He speaks of a form of energy called subtle energy, which is just another word for chi or soul energy or life force energy. But then he states it can’t be detected. So if it can’t be detected how can we tell it from something that does not exist at all? He says beauty “vibrates” at this same level. But beauty is not something that exists “out there”. It is simply a subjective construct of our minds. It can’t vibrate. He also goes on to say that humans exchange this subtle energy back and forth. Once again how does he know if it can’t be detected or shown to exist in any way other than the assertion that it does? Sure, I have a purple invisible unicorn in my bedroom as well. How do I know it’s purple? Well I just know it is and you should believe me. The flaw in this sort of argument is obvious.

In insight six we finally get into Redfield’s “Control Dramas”. Once again this is just a restructuring of older more sound concepts. These concepts include the Karpman Drama Triangle which is a tool actually used in psychotherapy. (More on this in a bit). He offers no positive aspects to these dramas and then goes on to say we can “clear” these dramas from our lives by naming them, which breaks them down and allows us to purge them. This is just a stealing of the pseudo-scientific concepts that Scientology uses in its auditing processes to become free (or “Clear”) of the influence of unwanted emotions, painful traumas, accumulated anxieties, psychosomatic illnesses, and aberrations they claim are not readily accessible to the conscious mind.

According to Redfield, once we get “clear” we begin to consciously guide or own evolution through the process of “Increasing our vibrational energy frequency” to the point that we become invisible to others because we enter a “higher dimension of reality”. This is done by the direct manipulation of this subtle energy through psychic intervention. The level of pseudo-scientific, quackery I just squeezed into those sentences even astounds me. I’m not going to take the time to even debunk it because that was not the point of this lesson. However I will say obviously I feel Redfield’s theories and his concept of control dramas are completely unfounded and useless crap.

But, having said that, I wanted to talk a bit more about the Karpman Drama Triangle and some of the related material that has emerged in the scientific community as a result of its creation. The drama triangle is a social model of human interaction used in psychotherapy that maps types of destructive interaction that can occur between people in conflict. It uses the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and often times shifting roles people will play. Its three points include the roles of “The Victim”, “The Rescuer” and “the Persecutor” as detailed below.

• The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.

• The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't go to the rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also very pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.

• The Persecutor: (a.k.a. Villian) The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior.

Triangulation is arguably one of the most natural progressions in human conflict relations. It creates a manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate directly with another person but instead will use a third party through which to channel communication. This forms the points of the triangle and allows for the manipulation of the parties of a relationship by controlling communication between them. When people find themselves in conflict with another, they will attempt to relieve tension by engaging a third person. The resultant triangle is more comfortable because the conflict is being absorbed by three individuals instead of just two.

From this triangle concept others have been created as a counter balance to the conflict roles we play. The Winner's Triangle is one such triangle model designed to alter social transactions when entering a drama triangle at any of the three entry points. It encourages the victim to shift to a position in which they are “vulnerable”. They are encouraged to problem solve and be more self-aware. The persecutor should adopt simply an “assertive” posture. They are encouraged to just ask for what they want but not be punishing. And finally individuals enlisted to be rescuers should instead react through "caring". They are encouraged to show concern but not problem solve for others.

Another form of this triangle is one called The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). It recommends that the players in a drama triangle adopt different roles altogether that are designed to empower the individuals. It recommends that the "victim" adopt the alternative role of creator, the persecutor the role of challenger, and the rescuer the role of coach. As follows:

• Creator – victims are encouraged to be outcome-oriented as opposed to problem-oriented and take responsibility for choosing their response to life challenges. They should focus on resolving "dynamic tension" (the difference between current reality and the envisioned goal or outcome) by taking incremental steps toward the outcomes he or she is trying to achieve. The Creator owns the power to choose and respond and focuses on outcomes. I can do it!

• Challenger – a victim is encouraged to see a persecutor as a person (or situation) that forces the creator to clarify his or her needs, and focus on their learning and growth. The challenger calls forth learning and growth. They provoke and evoke action, conscious constructive criticism and unconscious deconstruction of issues. You can do it!

• Coach – a rescuer should be encouraged to ask questions that are intended to help the individual to make informed choices. The key difference between a rescuer and a coach is that the coach sees the creator as capable of making choices and of solving his or her own problems. A coach asks questions that enable the creator to see the possibilities for positive action, and to focus on what he or she does want instead of what he or she does not want. The coach supports and assists. They facilitate clarity by asking questions. How will you do it?

So given all this I’m going to now answer the questions of the lesson. However I am not going to use Redfield’s preposterous methods. I will be using the drama triangle and its associated counterparts. Mainly the TED triangle. When put together, these two triangles form a diamond. The number 3 represented in the triangle is a power number. As a witch, it is sacred as it represents the Divine in maiden, mother, crone. Spiritually it represents the 3rd eye of inner vision and of course the Christian trinity is also a power symbol in society. I see these triangles being much more powerful than anything Redfield proposed, not only from a practical aspect in psychology but a spiritual one as well.

I can recognize every aspect of these triangles (forming the diamond) in myself at different times and events in my life. I think the goal should always be to try and remain off the drama triangle though as much as possible. I think that can be said for anyone. And so it takes an awareness of self to realize where I am and how I am behaving and provide constant adjustment to that.

Particularly for me here I have definitely played prosecutor roles and even victim roles. When I was denied knighthood the second time I definitely felt the victim for a bit. But I never let it get the better of me. I stayed and self-evaluated and tried to be better. I realized the roles I had played and have tried to adjust those roles to more positive ones like the Creator. I shifted to that creator role by starting my own path of study in the Kamikeedi journal. I’m still active in that journal today and have recently added to that by reactivating my apprenticeship. I did not let one stumbling block keep me from my goals.

I have also tried to shift from a persecutor role to more of a challenger role in many of my interactions here. And in support of that I also sometimes play the coach role to provide clarity and support for others going through things in life or questions they are struggling with. This self-empowerment allows them to help themselves and take that responsibility for their wellbeing into their own hands instead of constantly relying on others to get them through. I accept those roles in others as well. Senan maintains those roles of coach and challenger for me now in my path here.

One role I don’t think I really do too much is the rescuer role. However I think that is a role that is quite commonly played by many other Jedi here. For example one common theme I have seen here is over gun control. Many here are for gun control. That is a rescuer mentality. They want to take the responsibility out of the hands of others and take it on themselves to “fix” an issue as they see it. In this case I see a much more productive role in the Coach. Instead of trying to control populations and take away responsibility, Jedi should be teaching people to become better aware of themselves and their surroundings. This process may allow those in need of mental help to realize that and to get help instead of acting out by committing (self) destructive crimes. It will also allow others to take responsibility for themselves and problem solve so that they may better protect themselves in an inherently uncertain and dangerous world. Take away guns and that only leaves the next threat, but teach people to know themselves and protect themselves and it takes into account all threats and also gives the individual responsibility for that control and protection.

I also see many people coming here in the victim role. They will spend a great deal of time talking about how unfair some aspect of life is and how it has personally taken an interest in their demise. There are two sorts of people in the world. People that view life as something that happens “to them” or “for them” and people that view life as something that just happens. I think you will more often find people that view life as something happening “to them”, and thus believing there's a reason for things happening as they do, as being on the drama triangle more often than not. Persecutors are seeking revenge for something that happened to them, rescuers are rescuing people from things that happened to others, and victims are subdued by things that happened to them.

People that are more commonly found on the empowerment triangle seem to be more of the mindset that life just happens regardless of the individual’s involvement. They don’t take events as a personal slight against them and therefore tend to view life more in terms of self rather than external results. This does take a bit of nihilism, nothing happens for a reason, it just happens and we just have to deal with it. These sorts of people are not focused on revenge for revenges sake but instead focus on a process of always attaining an adaptable set of means in response to their shifting environment to achieve a desired end. This is the attitude in which I try to live my life. I strive to remain off the drama triangle in the pursuit of personal power. This is not a power over others but over self.

The way I use these tools is to always strive to be aware of self and self-evaluate at what point I might be on these triangles. If I find myself on the drama triangle then I make the effort to shift that mentality to something more positive and productive. The natural result of helping myself in this way has the added consequence of helping others around me.



en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

LESSON 3 – PTSD – PART TWO

INTRODUCTION
This lesson was to be focused on children with PTSD. However often times children grow into adulthood with undiagnosed PTSD and the symptoms manifest much later in life. So while I will talk about children to some degree my main emphasis in this lesson will be centered more on living with PTSD from many aspects including childhood, adolescence and adulthood as well as others who do not suffer from PTSD but live with someone who does. This will also be concentrated more towards assault and particularly sexual assault, which is an area of particular focus I am an activist in. With the myriad of new reports coming out now this also seems to more of an epidemic than ever. So in addition, many of the subjects below are also ways in which we can help prevent ourselves from ever getting into traumatic situations in the first place.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatic threat of physical harm up to and including the risk of death. Events such as a natural or manmade disasters, flood, fire tornado, a serious accident, car or plane crash, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape or other violent personal assault or abuse. These events could include community violence or domestic violence as well.

Symptoms of PTSD in adolescents and adults fall into four categories and specific symptoms can vary in severity.
• Intrusive thoughts such as repeated, involuntary memories; distressing dreams; or flashbacks of the traumatic event. Flashbacks may be so vivid that people feel they are re-living the traumatic experience or seeing it before their eyes.

• Avoiding reminders of the traumatic event may include avoiding people, places, activities, objects and situations that bring on distressing memories. People may try to avoid remembering or thinking about the traumatic event. They may resist talking about what happened or how they feel about it.

• Negative thoughts and feelings may include ongoing and distorted beliefs about oneself or others (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted”); ongoing fear, horror, anger, guilt or shame; much less interest in activities previously enjoyed; or feeling detached or estranged from others.

• Arousal and reactive symptoms may include being irritable and having angry outbursts; behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way; being easily startled; or having problems concentrating or sleeping.

Clinical reports suggest that elementary school-aged children may not experience visual flashbacks or amnesia for aspects of the trauma. However, they do experience "time skew" and "omen formation," which are not typically seen in adults. Time skew refers to a child mis-sequencing trauma-related events when recalling the memory. Omen formation is a belief that there were warning signs that predicted the trauma. As a result, children often believe that if they are alert enough, they will recognize warning signs and avoid future traumas.



LIVING WITH SOMONE WHO SUFFERS FROM PTSD
Hidden, unresolved memories of traumatic events in a person’s life can affect every aspect of their relationships with others. This is especially true if others do not know about the events. Often times the victims of such events are reluctant to tell others of their experience and misunderstanding and lack of open communication can result. Often times this is damaging to relationships and can be devastating to the intimate bonds of a marriage.

In America for example, the U.S Department of Justice reports that a traumatic event such as sexual assault occurs every two minutes. The aftermath such an assault has profound effects on intimate relationships. The emotional pain of fear, anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares and lack of trust can last for years — sometimes a lifetime. The resultant PDSD that can occur taxes the survivor’s ability to relate to others in healthy ways. It’s important that friends and relatives know about the event that has occurred. This is critical to their recovery.

If you are in a relationship with a sufferer of PDSD it is important to allow them to talk about their grief. Don’t try and avoid it. Be supportive and nonjudgmental or try to “fix” them. Just listen and reassure them you love them and are there for them no matter what. That you will get through this together. Allow them to set their own pace for recovery by not demanding details and don’t push intimacy. Also gently suggest counseling but do not point out obsessive behavior such as double checking doors or windows for security.

Often times those closest to a survivor become secondary survivors. They experience strong emotions as well, such as sadness, shock and anger. It can be difficult to handle these strong emotions especially while you are trying to support another. In these situations is may be wise to seek counseling yourself as well. Often time’s husbands and wives will attend counseling together in these cases. In any event all must keep in mind that healing is a long drawn out process, sometimes taking a lifetime, so be prepared to be in it for the long haul.

A major part of the healing process involves leaning some of the negative or self-abusive behaviors and thoughts a survivor may go through. Often times they will feel guilt or shame and remorse or like the event was somehow their fault. They will believe they brought it on themselves because they were careless or dressed inappropriately or that they did not resist enough or make the correct choices. Survivors will often reflect back on a traumatic event and not recognize the person they thought they were. They will beat themselves up for not fighting back or even for cooperating with their assailant. This leaves them with feelings of regret and humiliation and self-blame.

Other times a sufferer of PTSD might experience irrational responses to seemingly benign situations. These are known as stressors. A stressor involves either actual or perceived exposure to death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence. Many survivors will show a high level of arousal, which causes them to react strongly to sounds and sights around them. Most people have some kind of stress reaction after a trauma. Having such a reaction has nothing to do with personal weakness. Stress reactions may last for several days or even a few weeks. For most people, if symptoms occur, they will slowly decrease over time.

Reactions to stressors might include Feeling on guard and constantly alert. Having disturbing dreams and memories or flashbacks, Trouble sleeping and feeling very tired, Pounding heart, rapid breathing, feeling edgy and sweating, Failure to engage in exercise, diet, safe sex, regular health care, Excess smoking, alcohol, drugs, food, Feeling nervous, helpless, fearful, sad, Being irritable or having outbursts of anger, Becoming easily upset or agitated, Distrust of others, getting into conflicts, being over-controlling or Loss of intimacy or feeling detached. When these feelings and events occur it is important to educate those involved in the healing process. There are several points I want to cover in this regard.



FIGHT FLIGHT OR FREEZE
The fight-or-flight response, or hyperarousal, is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. But there is another component to this response that many do not know about. It’s called the freeze response and experts around the world are now adding the word freeze to the name in deference to the fact that instead of fighting or fleeing, sometimes we tend to freeze (like a deer in the headlights) in traumatic situations. In its original form, the fight or flight response is about survival. It's about hope. We activate it when we believe there's a chance we can outrun or outfight our attackers. But in contrast to that, the freeze response gets activated when we perceive there is no hope.

Another term for this freeze response is disassociation. This can occur during a traumatic event or after one as a symptom of PTSD. During a traumatic event helpful dissociation can protects us by enabling us to function during a crisis, and afterwards allows us to forget trauma. A warrior being oblivious to battle wounds until safety is reached, or someone forgetting the moments during and before a bad car accident are common forms of our freeze response. In the event of a sexual assault it can manifest as a cooperation with the attacker. This is a form of self-preservation in which the perception that cooperation may stave off a more violent response from the attacker that would result in greater injury or death.

The problem with the freeze response is that often time’s survivors develop a great deal of guilt and shame at having this response. They feel guilty that they cooperated with their attackers and this translates into thoughts that they surreptitiously wanted or deserved the assault. Those close to a survivor can develop feelings of anger or disgust at them as well because they have the perception that the survivor should have reacted differently. Because of these feelings it’s vitally important to talk openly about these sorts of feelings and emotions. Those involved also need to learn as much about these responses as possible so that a better understanding of our behaviors can be achieved. This can often times require the help of counseling. By going through these steps both self-forgiveness and forgiveness by the secondary survivor can be allowed to happen.



CONSENT
Consent occurs when one person voluntarily agrees to the proposal or desires of another. When it comes to sexual relationships this becomes extremely important. Violations of consent lead to trauma in the form of rape and can result in PTSD. Often time’s defenses are given to these violations when the perpetrator will claim a partner implied consent by just never saying “no” and so they did nothing wrong. This is a categorical fallacy. They will attempt to make the survivor feel guilty of shameful like the assault was somehow their fault, once again because they did not resist enough.

This is where the concept of ongoing consent comes in. It means making sure that your partner(s) are still active willing partners. If during a sexual encounter a person suddenly goes limp, or shows uncomfortability, or whatever indicating that they are not actively giving ongoing consent then you should stop and ask what's wrong. This is acceptable behavior. But attackers will still try and claim they did not know their victim had withdrawn consent. However there is an old adage that says if you've ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy's ass during sex, you'll know that they actually do understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well.

These two youtube videos explain consent much better than I could so I will end this section with these.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3nhM9UlJjc



VICTIM VS SURVIVOR
Terminology is an important distinction to consider when it comes to PTSD. It may seem weird to focus on linguistics, but the way we describe sufferers of PTSD has an effect on our perceptions of it. We internalize the messages that we get from media or our interpersonal interactions, and it subconsciously influences how we communicate with others.

The words “survivor” and “victim” have very different connotations. Being a “victim” implies helplessness and pity, which might not adequately describe the experiences of some people who experience trauma. Historically, people associate the term “victim” with being trapped, sometimes in reference to the cycle of domestic abuse. “Victim”-izing someone morphs their identity into simply being a victim.

However, what’s so different about the term “survivor” is that it implies that people are able to take control of their own lives. Using “survivor” implies progression over stagnancy, and many choose it because it serves as a term of empowerment. “Surviving” conveys that the person is still fighting, whether through the judicial system in order to bring justice to the perpetrator, to gain awareness for the cause, or to learn to live after experiencing an assault. A “survivor” thrives in their environment.

Empowering yourself in the context of a traumatic and life-changing experience is definitely not as easy as making a linguistic switch. However, making this vocabulary switch can impact the healing process in a positive way. It’s important to be cognizant about when we use “victim” over “survivor” because of the impact our words can have on those we are referring to.



CONFRONT THE ATTACKER
Our culture of victim blaming makes resolution in the aftermath of rape or sexual assault even more difficult. When survivors don’t follow the “perfect victim” protocol—which, among other things, involves reporting an attack to authorities immediately—it is counted against them. Sexual assault is essentially the only major crime in which the burden of proof lies solely with the victim, if not officially then certainly in the court of public opinion.

Victims who do come forward must do so at their own risk, knowing they expose themselves to personal and professional attack—especially if their abuser is a celebrated public figure, like Bill Cosby. Besides, disclosing a sexual assault requires victims to discuss intimate details, which can compound feelings of embarrassment or shame. When survivors are worried they won’t be believed, it seriously hinders their ability to seek justice, or even move on with their lives. But whether achieved through confronting an abuser online, in a letter, in person, seeking legal action, or merely coming to terms with it privately, every survivor deserves closure.

Roughly two thirds of sexual assault victims know their attackers. As such, they may fear intimidation, reprisal or further violence for speaking about or reporting the crime. They may also be in denial that someone they know, perhaps even loved and trusted, could violate them in such a way. To be able to confront their attacker with the consequences of the attackers actions can feel like a victory. It can bring about powerful feelings of validation, relief and like the survivor can finally put that part of their lives behind them. It can become a process of restoration that empowers them to be able to “save themselves” and this is a vital part of the healing journey.

Another powerful thing that survivors can do is to get involved in the communities that support abuse and trauma survivors. Volunteering at shelters or teaching classes or helping with fundraising or spreading the message through social media or start your own support groups wherever you may best serve. Student groups or support groups in cooperation with your employer are all options to consider. This sort of involvement can bring great strides in the healing process as well.



TRICKY ACTION
This subject is focused particularly on younger children. In today’s world it is incredibly important to teach our children to be able to identify and protect themselves from potentially dangerous situations. In the past this was accomplished by teaching children about Stranger Danger. It taught children that they should be leery of strangers that approach them and want to talk to them or offer them treats or ask them to help them find a lost pet. But this sort of training does nothing to protect them from “creepy uncle bob” who might be a child molester. When it comes to relatives they are in the safe zone and so kids are still susceptible to attack.

So now this training is being modified from the traditional form of stranger danger to a new form called Trick Action. Stranger danger only puts the child on alert for the stranger. But Tricky Action is a concept that also includes relatives or anyone they know that may want to hurt them and it also allows certain strangers to be friends because not every stranger is bad. Say a police officer for example. Instead of looking for the boogie man in every stranger, a child is taught to look for the person, another child or an adult, that is asking them to do something that doesn't sound right or is trying to get them to break one of their family's safety rules or trick them in some way.

Kids think a stranger is going to be somebody who is kind of scary looking or scary sounding, but statistically, if someone wants to harm a child, they are not going to appear scary; they're going to be charming, have an enticing offer, and seem friendly." Examples of this might include an adult asking a child for help with something like finding a lost puppy. Typically an adult that is not tricky will not ask a child for help. He will ask another adult. So if an adult is asking a child for help it means they are being tricky. In evaluating tricky action children are asked to give a thumbs up or thumbs down feeling to the person. This is a concept that is usually easy for a child to understand.



CONTROL
Tricky Action for children naturally leads in the concept of control when it comes to adults. We can all feel pressure from others or from social situations. Many times we give in to that pressure because we feel guilty or embarrassed and that can lead to regret later. Control is defined as an individual’s ability to influence or direct other people's behavior or the course of events. We all employ this ability to some degree in most everything we do. We may try to convince a friend to go to a party with us they don’t want to go to for example. This is a benign form of coercion that we use on a regular basis. The problem comes when that coercion becomes something sinister.

Abusive control happens when an individual gains and maintains power and control over another person, as a victim, in order to subject that person to psychological, physical, sexual, or financial abuse. Controlling abusers use tactics to exert power and control over their victims. The tactics themselves are psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. Manipulators and abusers control their victims with a range of tactics, including positive reinforcement, such as praise, flattery, ingratiation, love bombing, smiling, gifts and attention. Or negative reinforcement, intermittent or partial reinforcement through psychological punishment such as nagging, silent treatment, swearing, threats, intimidation, emotional blackmail, guilt trips, in-attention. Traumatic tactics can also be used such as verbal abuse or explosive anger.

It is important to always be on the lookout for these manipulators and to never allow these sorts of abuses. If a person asks you once for something and you say no, that is perfectly ok. However if they begin to ask you over and over or use one of these abusive tactics that is not ok and they are trying to control you through abuse. To use the tea analogy above in the youtube video as a substitute for a sexual situation, if a potential partner askes you if you want a cup of tea that is fine. And you have a right to say no to the tea. However if they ask you again or they ask if you are sure and you still say no – then they ask if you want just a “half a cup of tea” and you say no and then they ask if you would like to just “hold their tea cup” and you still say no, then that becomes abuse.

A little considered aspect to this sort of control is social control. Many times our perceptions of society place undue pressure on us to act in certain ways. For example a female alone in a parking garage late at night waiting for an elevator. But when that elevator arrives there are two rough looking men inside. The woman may feel uneasy about the situation but social pressure will still push her to get on the elevator because she does not want to seem rude or condescending. This behavior just opens her up to the potential for violence. Same thing would go in the situation of a broken down car. If you feel uneasy don’t get out of the car or don’t stop if you see someone who might be in need if you’re not comfortable with the situation. Better to be safe than to regret it later. The thumbs up thumbs down trick that children are taught works for adults as well!



SELF CARE
Most people experience some stress reactions following a trauma, such panic attacks, breakthrough anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty sleeping, and feeling detached. When these things happen its vitally important for the sufferer to take the necessary time for self-care. Some quick examples of this might include items like doing the “3 things exercise”. This is an exercise where you go through all your senses by looking at 3 things, smelling 3 things, hearing three things, touching 3 things and taste three things. Other things that might work include taking a shower, doing breathing exercises, meditation, lying down in a dark place. The trick is to find something that works for you and focus on that.

Practice nonjudgmental mindfulness. In addition to the senses, your worldview is influenced by the balance between your thoughts and emotions. Being able to name your emotions and identify the reasons for your feelings will be important. Confusing anxiety and excitement could mean missing out on important events for example. Anxiety comes when you perceive a threat to the integrity of self. Consider the comment, "I feel broken." If you believe that you feel broken, evidence to the contrary won't change the statement and your feelings will be masked by the thought of being broken.

However, one way to reword the statement to reflect both feelings and thoughts would be "I think I am broken because I see myself as abandoned by others," and "I feel a painful sadness." Identifying your experience accurately in this way will help you cope more effectively, react more from wisdom and less from emotion, and not distort your sense of self based on what may be inaccurate thoughts you've labeled as feelings. You probably know skills to manage true emotions, but there is no skill for "feeling" broken because it is not a feeling. So we need to be constantly evaluating our thoughts and feelings through nonjudgement mindfulness but also challenging those thoughts and feelings. I have done a lesson above on unhealthy thinking styles and this is also an important factor in keeping ourselves emotionally healthy.



FINAL THOUGHTS
Not only do I deal with PTSD from past trauma but I also have family members that suffer. These tips and tricks and tools I have described above are some of the most effective means I have found to help not only deal with my issues but help others deal as well. I am definitely not a counselor or an expert on this by any means but this has become a cause of service for me over the years. I and a few partners give regular classes at pagan events that focus on sexual trauma, not only situations of rape but in particular friend and date rape. We present materials such as the talking points above and we provide emotional support and references to others that can give professional help.

These sorts of rape by friends or dates are particularly traumatic because not only is it a physical violation but a violation of trust. Rape doesn’t always look the way you think it does. It doesn’t always play out in a dark alley while an attacker disgustingly and willfully turns another human into a sex toy without their knowledge or consent. It’s not always violent. Sometimes it happens at the hands of the people whom you trust the most. Often times the survivor is so shocked at what is happening they go into freeze mode during the assault. This sort of thing can happen to anyone and we need to stop the accusations of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or for being too drunk, or for “giving mixed signals” and asking for it.

Afterwards survivors commonly carry deep feelings of guilt and shame and betrayal and embarrassment. No one deserves to be stripped of their dignity in this way. We have got to stop failing each other when these disgusting, inexcusable, unforgivable, malicious actions occur. Stop blaming the survivors. It’s important to know the warning signs and be aware of unsavory or tricky behavior not only for children but for adults as well. And if something you did not want does happen, to know the sovereignty of your body was violated against your will but it was not your fault and you are not alone. You deserve a healthy process and support system to help recover from that.

LESSON 5 - Your Thoughts Do Not Create Your Reality


All the positive thinking and manifesting and vision boarding and dreaming in the world is not going to get you what you want. Believing in the pseudoscience of movies like “What the Bleep Do We Know” or “The Secret” will get you no closer to realizing the nature of reality than the toaster on your kitchen counter. You can’t tune into the “feeling resonance” to think your way to a bigger bank balance, a nicer car, a bigger house and a better partner. You cannot manipulate water molecules with your mind. Meditation will not reduce violent crime. You cannot think yourself out of clinical depression. In effect, you do not create your own reality and neither do your thoughts.

What you do create through your thoughts, as well as many other processes such as emotion, feeling and memory, is your experience of your reality. Our thoughts, and our emotions, are intertwined. A thought can give rise to a feeling, and a feeling can give rise to a thought. Underlying beliefs, often unconscious, give rise to both thoughts and feelings. This distinction is critical, and far too often it’s glossed over, ignored or pushed aside in favor of these new age ideas of not only being completely in control of our reality via our thoughts but actually having the ability to manipulate matter using only our minds through some asserted process of quantum mechanics that we supposedly have a “woo-woo” connection to or control over.

Beliefs, thoughts and feelings are the filter through which we experience our life. Along with emotion and memory these things make up the algorithm of reason. Every event or circumstance that happens to us is processed through this system. And from this our beliefs, feelings and thoughts are formed. This combination of external objective reality and internal subjective reality creates our ultimate reality. Two things, intertwined and inseparable from each other. If either external or internal reality changes our ultimate reality can change. So by this natural relationship, if we change our internal reality, i.e. our beliefs, thoughts and feelings, the choices we make will change and this will affect our external reality. This is not a process of thought transference but of physical action.

If you want to be richer you will never get it by just thinking positively about receiving large sums of cash. Various manifesting methods of this sort will not put a lot of money in your bank account. Instead you need to take action. Find out why you want to be richer, your motivation and then be willing to work for and sacrifice for that goal. Start by searching out luxuries that are possible on your budget. You will begin to feel richer and this will drive your passion. You will make sacrifices of the things that are in opposition to your goal of being richer and you will be motivated towards the goal of working harder and smarter to achieve your goals. The first method is externally, future focused, hoping and wishing that using the right “magical thoughts” or feelings will make something happen ‘out there’ sometime soon. The second is internally, now focused, making choices and actions that enact current underlying needs required to create the desired wants.

In this process, we all experience those moments of self-loathing, frustration, visceral reaction and cognitive bias. We misinterpret events or react to situations in a manner that is in disproportion to the event. Misinterpretation, indecision, self-doubt, lack of confidence or motivation are all byproducts of our inner villain. We can be the number one cause of our own failures and downfalls. Fortunately, there’s a solution: we just have to be aware of this monster inside of us, understand from where our emotions arise and work to better rationalize our reality.

We often have an ambitious, starry-eyed voice full of unrealistic hope that guides us. It’s good to expect a lot of yourself but if you walk into every situation with an expectation of your perfectionist self, you’re going to come away feeling unfulfilled, dissatisfied and even disappointed. If you set ridiculous goals for yourself you will either burn yourself out or lose the commitment and experience a crash. This is exacerbated when you attempt to manage expectations that are outside your control. Expecting others that you actually have no control over to act a specific way will bring nothing but exasperation and disillusionment. Make sure you are maintaining realistic goals and expectations. Understand that you don’t control things outside of your own sovereignty and let those things go.

Appreciate the smaller things around you. Recognize each moment for what it truly is and don’t be so focused on the past or the future that you miss this. If we fail to appreciate the small things we accomplish each day in pursuit of our goals we begin to lose site of the bigger picture. Taking into account all the good things you do on a small scale helps build confidence, motivation, and self-respect so we can’t take those things for granted. When you don’t take things for granted, you simply squeeze more out of life. Whether it’s our health, our abilities, the love from friends and family, our hobbies, our freedom from outright tyranny or war-like conditions – we all have something that we can be truly grateful for every day, every moment.

We do this by being a strict judge of our own character. Constantly evaluating our emotions, beliefs, feelings and thoughts. We need to not only analyze these things but find the source behind them. We need to study not only what we believe but why we believe it! Get to know this critical voice inside and try to understand where it comes from and why it is that you listen to it. Also don’t punish yourself over every mistake – after all, experience through mistakes and failure is the most effective path to growth. Trust in your instincts, break problems down and don’t put too much emphasis on idealizing or over condemning all the potential implications of every decision. Ensure that you’re not basing decisions upon misled or faulty assumptions. We must be warry that our minds will mistakenly fill in certain blanks to ascertain perceived answers.

Projecting certain assumptions onto certain situations can be disastrous in this way. Our brain works to fill in the gaps however it can, forming answers on faulty presumptions if necessary. Don’t just assume that someone may be mad because XYZ happened when you’re unaware of ABC. We make this mistake countless times, all because we subconsciously fill in the blanks with answers that are incorrect. To prevent this, you have to understand your train of thought. Don’t place your own standards on others, moral or otherwise, as everyone is different and thinks a different way. Rely on valid facts, not just assumptions, before deciding on a particular course of action. Understand that you may not know the full story or intent behind everything you’re involved in. Many times, we must rely on nothing but an assumption – just don’t invest too much into the outcome when you’re dealing with unknown circumstances and take the time to better understand.