|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:45:18 GMT
I AM THE GREAT WORK OF MY LIFE – THOUGHTS ON “THE PLACES THAT SCARE YOU” (Pema Chodron)
My thoughts and opinions are the enemy within – the voices in my head that tell me what to do, how to be, who to be and how to live my life. They are separate from me, the self. They are illusion. Thoughts and opinions are the stumbling blocks that separate self from naked experience, the limitless. Clouds are the thoughts, the voice. Self is above the clouds, self is the sky. Self is the witness of thought, the one that experiences the voice. Self is the space beyond everything and in which everything happens. The voice creates the identity that I become attached to. I must break that link- I will.
I must avoid seeking after every trivial fixation. I seek power for powers sake so that I may create opportunity. Physical fitness to build self. Financial independence to build self. Spirituality to build self. The adventure - all these things... to build self. In these pursuits pain is the obstacle that needs to be destroyed. In this mission fear is the barrier to overcome. These things are simple, a secondary consequence of the pursuit of power – the pursuit of passion. I am the passion itself. I am reconstructing myself outside any ideology without forgiveness. Forgiveness implies tolerance. This is a one sided relationship I must prevent – I will.
For the warrior there is something worse than death. That awareness will reinforce my desire and urgency to achieve. My pursuits will create multiple paths forward. The hunt itself is my passion. The warrior creates choice for the hunter’s pursuit and the predator tears down walls allowing the soldier the means forward. The warrior Sith mind is one that sanctions any sacrifice, including death, in the service of self’s passion. All life is sacred but not everything gets to live. Sometimes that sacredness is served through its demise. In this process, suffering, violence and aggression are actually diminished. Violence can be used to lessen violence just as fire can be used to fight fire.
I am dedicated to approaching everything with the intention of being open and flexible. I strive for that in between, groundless state. The crossroads between extremes is where I build my hearth. This is a place of elasticity where the paradox of being made both rigid and softened occurs simultaneously as I stay with the uneasiness of strong emotion by remaining opinion-less. As a warrior I must understand that I can never know what will happen next, that the perception of control is a lie. Fear pushes me to seek comfort and security. I will overcome the fear because the truth is we can never avoid uncertainty. Knowing this puts me on the first step to the one great adventure I crave.
I am learning to sit with my discomfort and my sorrow and allowing it to temper me. Remaining ever present and filling my time only with meaningful activities by conquering fear. This process creates a feeling of giddiness, an eagerness to begin each day. This is an unfamiliar but welcome sensation. One in which my anxiety has become my friend that I consult with on everything. It is an integration and complete acceptance of myself as I am – maitri. I am perfect in my imperfections, there is nothing to fix. When I struggle against this I reject the source of wisdom. Instead that energy will go to transformation, taking the emotion and just feeling it. I will make it work for me, use it to my productive benefit.
“The Force” is experience. “The self” is experience. It is the experience of the moment and this is what matters. It is a place outside of thoughts and opinions and needs and desires. Love, hate, suffering, pain, cold, hot, fear, joy – these things are only contained in the experience, reactions to the experience. They are simply the clouds to the sky. If I become caught up in watching the clouds I will miss the majesty of the stars beyond the sky.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:47:41 GMT
Fear is the Wolf. In one aspect the deadliest of enemies but in another aspect the greatest of friends. Both aspects demand their respect and admiration. I see that for each of my emotions. Fear is one I have a particularly close relationship with because of its nature. Primitive man feared the wolf until he learned to tame it, domesticate it. It remained dangerous but it also became a friend, a helpmate and a protector.
My relationship with the wolf is no different. It is a relationship of mutual cooperation. I teach the wolf to pull the sled, to sit and to lay down and to shake. In return for its obedience I provide it food and shelter. We are friends and I depend on it for its service and I listen to its warnings of danger and I rely on its protection but I also must keep control over it so that it never bites me or another for a reason I do not condone.
My emotions are not equal to me, but they are mine. So I am responsible for them and thus must accept the roll of master over them. In this regard I cant let them run wild untrained and undisciplined. I must make the effort to teach them to work for me. This is a position of mutual cooperation but also one of master and subordinate.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:48:44 GMT
I like your allegory. However I think it is short sited in the hard distinction between dog and wolf. I think nothing, including emotions, can be defined as completely one thing or another. I see the aspect of the dog in the wolf and I see the aspect of the wolf in the dog. What it really comes down to is a distinction in terms. Those terms being compliance versus obedience and my competence to use one, the other or both. The farmer uses obedience with the dog. He puts himself in the role of authority figure and uses that role with the dog to get the dog to follow orders. The dog, accepts the role of subordinate, and therefore does not question the figure of authority and obeys. The mountain man uses compliance with the wolf. He puts himself as a peer and uses logical reasoning and/or persuasion to request an action from the wolf. The wolf has the choice to reject the request but if the mountain man is skillful enough he will be successful and the wolf will comply. But these roles are just one aspect of any creatures entire makeup. Within every dog there is also a wild wolf and within every wolf there is also a tame dog. If I abuse the dog enough he will reject my authority or if I can establish myself as an alpha the wolf will be obedient. But if I fail to respect both aspects of any creature I will lose that respect in return. This is what happened to Siegfried and Roy. They failed to respect the wild animal inside of the obedient tiger and they paid the price. Any emotion works the same way. Any emotion can be passive or raging, constructive or destructive. And I don’t always get to decide which way they will manifest because I don’t always have the skill with the tools to effectively evoke my will over them. However I think you are right that this does not make them enemies as I defined them earlier. My failure to control them has no power over their standing in relation to me so I was wrong in assessing them in that context. They are what they are and my bias in seeing them as enemy was incorrect.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:49:15 GMT
IF YOU KNOW YOUR ENEMY AND KNOW YOURSELF, YOU NEED NOT FEAR THE RESULT OF ONE HUNDRED BATTLES. – SUN TZU
I have characterized my thoughts and opinions as “the enemy”, pain as an obstacle that needs to be destroyed, fear as a barrier to overcome. But I have failed to comprehend the full and true nature of these concepts and so these descriptions I have written are not entirely accurate. Passion entails the creation of options under the urgency of my demise. It’s a matrix of branching opportunities that is under constant evolution. But how are these opportunities created? Through challenge.
So how is that challenge shaped? Through my thoughts and opinions as well as my fear and the embracing of pain. I have viewed these things as adversaries to be conquered, as persecutors of my sovereignty. But they are more than that, they are actually the components of the challenge itself. I am the creator of the options and they are the challenge that focuses me on my own self-improvement by holding me accountable for my actions. When I viewed these things as the enemy I adopted a problem focused view of my reality, issues to overpower. However when I change that view and see these things as challengers I can adopt a new view of my reality to one focused on productive outcome based on results. The first view is fear based but the second view is passion based. This passion based view is the one I now embrace.
This particular pursuit of passion is milestone based instead of goal based. A goal implies an end intention, a terminal point to which effort is directed. But a milestone is simply a significant point in a never ending development, a graduation point that defines one leg of an endless evolution from another. I don’t believe the pursuit of my passions can have any end purpose. I undergo suffering to gain strength. But how do I define strength? Sure I can say I can now bench press 135 pounds. But is that strong enough? When I achieve this do I quit? No, so that achievement is not a goal, it’s just a milestone and when I achieve that milestone I set the next one.
In this idea I am not focused on the milestone itself. I crave the milestone during the fight but once it is achieved it becomes inconsequential and I then ache for the fight to the next milestone. It is the passion of the hunt, the confidence built in battle itself that I desire. Confidence is a powerful facilitator of options. It can be the same for any pursuit in life, financial freedom, spiritual self-awareness or the lust for the adventure. When will I achieve total financial freedom? At what point do I decide I fully understand my strengths, weaknesses, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, responses, reactions, attitude, emotions and motivations? When do I decide I have adventured enough? The answer to all of these is never.
In this pursuit I have made friends with my anxiety. What I failed to realize was that I needed to do this for all the components of my psyche that challenged me in the same way as my anxiety does. These things are there to resist progress of course, but they are no more the enemy than the bench press bar is. Instead of viewing them as adversary I need to see them as that bar and incorporate them into my life as tools I can use to my advantage to create opportunity, to advance my objectives. It is the archetypes I have defined that use these tools. These archetypes are not to be adopted as paradigms however, but as personifications of the components of my passion. The predator is the ache of desire, the hunter is the suffering in perseverance, the warrior is the sacrifice inherent in the conflict and the soldier is the meaning I find behind the cause. Together we will find victory!
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:50:22 GMT
SHALL WE TALK OF FAILURES? – A CRITIQUE OF MY TIME IN THE UNDERWORLD
One month ago I asked Luciana if she would grant me access to the underworld and she agreed. I worked only one lesson before she took exception to one of my lesson work responses and she decided she would not guide me any longer. This was not my wish but I have no control over the actions or opinions of others and contrary to her belief, I have no desire to expend energy playing the victim. So I moved on. But my honest reply to her decision, a reply that was fair and reasonable in which I wished her the best and said I wanted to continue on alone, got me kicked out of the underworld completely. Do I consider this a failure on my part? No, because the work that we did together was incredibly fulfilling and enlightening for me and I thank her for that. I consider this a failure on her part. I wanted to continue on alone in that forum and I saw no rule saying this was not allowed. In fact it states in the rules that “council” will decide progress. But that is not to be. I suspected such a thing would happen and so before my reply I secured the means to continue on alone anyway. And I will not betray the rules of the underworld nor will I ever reveal the content of the training to another. As a dedicated Sith I keep my vows but I also find the means to take what I started to fruition no matter the obstacle. Luciana has failed to see this in me and that’s fine. Her opinion of me has no bearing on who I actually am. I was asked to "drop the act", to open up, to expose myself and be honest in my dealings when I came here. I have tried to do nothing less than that. And I will continue in that. What I have found in this is that not only do I wear a mask but that everyone wears one. The people I thought were here are not actually here because they don’t actually exist. Luciana demonstrated this through her growing proclivity to try and control my every action on this board – by assuming and then reacting and abandoning a challenge, instead of responding as she has always demanded of me. And I considered remaining obedient to that moving forward. But in the face of her actions in the underworld I find I no longer have the respect for her I once did. But I remain because my reverence for the training endures. And I accept the possibility I may be banned from this site completely after making this post and that is fine as well. I have been kicked from worse sites. I was banned from a Jedi site for my views contrary to their philosophy after years of intense study. I must say my time here has been a more fulfilling experience because my philosophy aligns better with this site. But if I am banned I will move on, as all things come to an end. And if I am not I will continue here, interacting with the site and reading and learning. Either way the victory is still mine, because I have the vision to know what I want, the ability to procure the necessary resources and the perseverance to undergo their challenges to the best of my ability.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:51:28 GMT
i’m not going to get into a game of “he said” “she said” with you, Luciana. You actually ended a relationship I was beginning to question anyway. And your rant here shows that to me once again. You claim to have a reverence for words and yet most of what you do is put those words into others mouths without their permission. You have a huge chip on your shoulder for some reason I can only guess at. Your first line proves this. I never said “Must”. You put that word in my mouth, not me.
Also this idea that I am entitled and disrespectful. You are inventing bullshit excuses for your decision. I have been nothing but always respectful to you. I understand the role of a mentor, it is a position of challenge. You take it too far because of your skewed view of reality. What reason would I ever have to contact you privately and “complain”? That’s what it would be to you right? Me “complaining”. In your world any consequences for your actions are not your fault. You project your failures onto others and then get to invent any excuse to make you look like the noble one.
You are actually playing the victim here, telling me how disrespectful I have been to you and how unfair it is I copied your work and how I have persecuted you with this post in MY journal. You even accused me of misogyny!! I laughed out loud at that one! Given the nature of the work I have done here, you know that’s categorically false and yet you chose to try and use it against me. Proof enough right there of your cognitive bias. In my posts on the board, if I responded to quickly to you, you whined, if I responded and didn’t give every line of your post attention you whined. You have even resorted to calling me names here, something I have never done to you. An emotional visceral reaction, not a measured, well thought out response.
At one time I thought you might be a great person to work with, no more. You made your decision to end it and I accepted that. I then posted the experience in my journal as is the function of this thread. And you come in here with eyes ablaze and try to put me in my place. It makes me laugh, get over yourself Luciana and sort your shit out. You are not as all powerful as you think you are. You have a long way to go if you ever hope to be a truly effective leader. I still respect you as a person, I have just lost respect for you as someone that can guide me anywhere. I wished you the best in my exit post and I still do. I hope you find what you are looking for. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:52:10 GMT
EFFECTIVELY USING THE MACHINE OF “THE SELF”
I believe we are each born with a psyche that is a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses derived from genetics and the local environment of the womb alone. But from that moment of birth onward the psyche, or our perception of “The Self”, becomes subject to other influences. It begins to undergo modification from the external environment through events connected through time, interactions with others, bodily chemical and neural changes and the formation of internal opinions and beliefs in introspection. This idea makes our perception of self, as a single entity, nothing but an illusion. In reality my experience of self is not the result of “one thing sitting in the middle of my head” but a subjective and irreducibly complex array of phenomena and algorithms all working in simultaneous conjunction. No single voice exists that is my true self because who I perceive myself to be is actually a multifaceted machine made up of countless components and interactions both internal and external that is under constant revision from moment to moment.
In the past I have referred to this ongoing “modification’ of self as damage. I did this because I believe that nothing new can be built, nothing can evolve, without first destroying something existing. But to describe this as damage is only half the story, so I am altering it to the term modification, which I think encompasses both the destructive and constructive processes involved. Experience is the dynamic method our reality operates under that causes the constant restructuring of the psyche or “The Self”. The beliefs we form through our interactions and experiences are some of the strongest factors that influence our personality. This progression is not only inevitable, it is unavoidable. Even more importantly, this evolution has no paramount end goal and its effects can be just as detrimental to the self as they can be beneficial. These core beliefs when aspected positively are powerful tools in my life that drive me to greatness. However when negatively aspected they are stifling and self-limiting anchors that weigh me down.
It’s these detrimental beliefs that are some of the hardest things to change. But they are necessary to change if I want to have true power in my life. The first thing that needs to be done is I need to become aware of these limiting beliefs. It’s easy to fall back on cognitive bias, self-justification and playing the role of the victim as natural defense mechanisms but in the end those things only serve to strip me of power. They are walls I erect so I don’t have to face the pain of the truth of who I really am deep inside. I first need to tear those things down before I can even begin to get to the source of these limiting beliefs buried deep in my subconscious. Once I can get past that I can make the unconscious conscious and it is in this that I begin to gain real power because I can begin to identify not the symptom but the cause. This awareness will allow me to keep these constraining influences from controlling my behavior to my detriment.
In this process conflict becomes the most effective means of growth. It’s easy to have positive experiences in trust of another, or love of another or to top that mountain. Those things feel good. But it’s when that trust is broken or that love is betrayed or we fail in that climb that makes it harder the next time to love or trust or to try. And there is where the challenge lays. Only the destructive experiences are useful because those are the ones that give us the choice to be (or get) stronger or to give up, to fight or surrender, to grow or to wallow. The fight is the challenge and the challenge is facing the pain.
I have recently faced and conquered such a bias and its related false belief. It had to do with my sister. I left home at 17 to find my way in the world and as a result left my sister alone to care for our aging parents. I had a great deal of guilt over this that I did not realize I had. As a result I allowed my sister to take a position where she intimidated and bullied me on many things. I would give in because she would use that guilt against me. And I would avoid fighting back because I did not take responsibility for my decision to leave home and I would not face that pain of conflict with her.
It’s taken me many years to realize this. That facing conflict of this sort is just as important as conflict in achieving any goal. The guilt I was operating under left me a slave. I have broken that now. I confronted her, I told her no. Decisions I have made in this area now are decisions I want to make, not ones she coerced me to make so she can get what she wants. In this process I saw her take on that victim role. Telling my how I’m now putting her second and how much my decisions have hurt her and how unfair I am being to her because she has an incredible responsibility that I left behind in taking care of our parents. It’s a painful process with many uncomfortable conversations that is definitely rife with damage. And the risk exists that I may lose her over this if she can’t see through it. But something new is definitely also being constructed in its wake. I feel the power in the newfound self-respect and acceptance. So I will stand fast and remain guilt free in taking responsibility for my decisions.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:52:47 GMT
PREY ARCHETYPE
In the past I have tried to define my life as an alpha wolf. But over time I realized this was not my true nature. So I evolved that thinking to try and fit myself into the beta role, not the apex of the pack but at least one of the pack. But that never exactly fit either. The problem is that I had been so focused on only seeing wolves around me that all I could see were the predators. I looked up to the qualities of the predators. I saw predators as popular and celebrated and I didn’t like who I was. I could not see the strength in who I was. I wanted to be like them, felt I should be like them, and so I never considered myself in the role of prey because I believed prey was never something I should aspire to be. That is changing. I realize now I have struggled with this for so long because I am not of the pack at all. I am a chipmunk.
This is my true nature and I’m realizing my true self is not weak. I see now that prey can also be warriors, only on the other side of the same fight. My choice in this is to continue to not be afraid of the potential for bad things, not wallow in sorrow, not hide or be satisfied with what I have and where I am. Those things are victim mentality, the mentality of the slave. I will continue to face the dark, accept the bad things for what they are, mourn and move on, always fight. But now, finding the true source of my power, be able to accept my aggression for what it truly is and revel in the good things pulled out of the fight. This is also the warrior mentality, the mentality of the survivor.
But in that hunt I realize I don’t have the dominant instincts of a killer. I lack that instinct that tells me I am the source of danger. My instinct tells me I am the target of danger. But I have not been able to accept that until now. And because of that, I had mischaracterized the true source of my power. I wanted it to come from the predator because I hated that prey inside me. I saw the prey as weak. And because I could not see that until now my natural adrenaline of wariness often focused me so much on the struggle that I sometimes lost concentration on the benefits of the fight. I’m seeing that in a different light now for the first time.
It’s easy for predators to see prey but much harder for prey to see predators or even themselves as prey. But even predators can be prey to bigger predators and prey also hunt. So I am a much more complex array of characteristics than a single term can elucidate. A Predator mindset naturally understands the mentality of other predators. However often times their actions are misunderstood by the prey mindset and visa-versa. I have had a tendency to consider my prey self as less than equal to the predator. This has been my issue. However I am finding that this is not true. They are just different with different outlooks and mentalities.
I see my life for the first time in a different perspective. I have been told many times before that I am prey and I have dismissed it. But when I take a hard look at myself I can see it is true. I was on a 20 year plan to achieve my perfect life. Everything I did was geared toward that one goal. My career, my college, my hobbies, everything. But when my personal life fell apart I left that behind to work on myself. A predator might have sacrificed that personal life for their original goal. But I did not. As a prey, I chose a different path. It did not make me any less a warrior. It just changed the nature of my sacrifice for something I wanted more.
I think relationships are the same way. At least in those I have experienced. In my relationships, my predator partners will charge ahead and make decisions for me without consulting me. And I as prey, have a cautious and meticulous way of making decisions that drives my predator partners crazy. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings have resulted. But we have taken the time to get to know the others mentality and truly understand the others mindset. This effort has made the relationships stronger. Where one is weaker the other has a natural strength. And when those can be identified and used together in teamwork, the partnership becomes stronger.
I think it’s appropriate to add another archetype to my Sith paradigm, that of the Prey. She is the Survivor. A planner, an organizer, a collector, a stealth warrior in archer form. Striking from a distance while concealing her location because if it were discovered by the predator she would have no capability to defend it. The prey warrior utilizes fortitude and armor to their greatest advantage.
• The Prey Archetype – o Manifests Desire – The Prey Survivor, is what drives me. This is the anticipation of the challenge. The warm embrace of the darkness, the protector that creeps in ever so slowly with the loss of the light. The dare to defy the danger lurking beyond, and to hunt. To outwit the enemy with superior insight and patience in the pursuit of my objective. – The instinct to overcome overshadows the unease and drives me towards winning the object of my desire.
A predator controls her environment through domination. Control of her environment in this way comes naturally to her. She has a mindset, a confidence, a presence, an instinct that commands that respect. She stands alone because her character can do no other. This prowess the predator carries can’t really be described. Others just know it is there because they smell it on her. This brings out an intuition to either yield or resist depending on the nature of the other. Others are seamlessly pulled into her field of gravity in this way. Forgetting her bite, they want simply to play with the pure beauty that is unfettered by remorse or regret. Mesmerized, their fates were sealed the moment they submitted their will to hers. And without a single drop of blood they are consumed. -From the Mind of a Predator
The prey has control over her environment but the source of her power comes not from dominance but from deference. The prey’s mindset originates in determination. She has a natural drive and dogged devotion that facilitates its own form of respect. She thrives in partnerships or small groups. Her strength and power of leadership lies in quiet service and support and validation. The prey is an instinctive self-starter that persevere through sacrifice and this character trait brings out an awareness in others of her innate benefit to them. Others are drawn obliviously into this mystical dynamic, fascinated by the quiet cunning she exhibits. -From the Mind of a Prey
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:53:25 GMT
REMORSE
I’m not sure what it is I am supposed to feel remorse for? While I do take responsibility for my actions, I also feel they are justified in my true will and I have no remorse for them. To me that is the proper attitude, is it not? It takes a great deal of time and sacrifice for this sort of work. When conflict presents itself, I embrace it. I don’t care if its frustration, weakness, fear, doubt, it does not matter. I engage and let things play out. There is an issue there, address it and be a leader in resolving it.
Squashing conversation, avoiding desire, giving in, running away, succumbing to discomfort. These are not traits of a Sith and they won’t make the pain go away. Continual assertions that one is not perfect are not statements of a leader, they are excuses of a victim. And that weakness shows through in every decision made. Ambiguous testimonials are meaningless without the courage to come forth with decisive specifics. To actually take the time required to really understand what these statements mean. Anger is a defensive action designed to mask bias. I recognize that and I look past the exasperation to discover what I must understand. Do I know what it will take for my success and growth? What is the required work and am I willing to make the mandatory sacrifice?
I volunteer, I go to work, I help a friend with her computer and I run to the store for my dog’s food. These are acts I do because I desire them. Because I get a return in investment from them. But they are not acts of passion. They are acts I hide behind. True passion is putting the need of a goal above any other need. Its pursuit is not one of prestige or praise and it’s not a position you justify to others. None of those things is passion. Passion is about sacrifice of self without regard for return because the pursuit is its own reward. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, but there is irrationality in not admitting you are.
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:57:08 GMT
SACRIFICE AND RISK I saw something here the other day about someone achieving 1million net worth, congratulations. Nice victory but ultimately... big whoop. Victory is good but I want to know what is going to be done with that victory? I'm tired of watching sith "climb the corporate ladder" under the thumb of the will of others. What sacrifice are they willing to make with their achievement? What risk are they willing to invest to step outside the system designed by others to take that next step? That's what I want to hear about...
I can understand your confusion but do not assume too much. This post is not about another. It is about me. A personal comparison I was making to challenge myself. Climbing corporate ladders can be fun and challenging but ultimately its a "by the numbers" system put in place and controlled by others. In the end the individual is a commodity, whose talent and services are bought and sold by others. And when those things become useless the individual is discarded. Just imagine though, if you could become the seller instead of the product. How much more potential would a Sith have to achieve? I have some things in the works...
EDIT: and in catching up here others have the same idea! Outstanding! That's what I'm talking about!
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:58:15 GMT
I am adding these things to my Journal to keep a continuity for my next posts. I have delved into the world of the archetype and the stages of life and the concept of the individual as well as challenged myself in the ways of the Sith during my time here. It is time to start putting some stability and cohesion to these concepts.
THE FORGE - Sith Principles to Strive For
Sith are not born, they are formed in fire, refined as steel by hammer and sharpened through opposition. This is The Forge. A series of lessons I am creating for myself. They will take the form of a virtual journey in which I spend time discussing my thoughts and views on each principle below. This post is a synopsis of the journey I want to undertake in my journal to further develop these principles. I describe them here as a series of Sanctums. Just thought I would share here. Comments are encouraged!
1. Sanctum of Fear - Anxiety is an inability to reach resolution. It arises from the fear of an imagined, unknown or poorly defined threat. It is the source of hesitation, indecisiveness and ineffectiveness in the pursuit of goals. Instead of succumbing to fear or anxiety when faced with it, challenge it. Ask “what is the worst/best thing that could happen” and then break down the solution to each question to achieve the desire, step by step. In doing this it will become clear that there is confidence in preparation and anxiety will disappear.
2. Sanctum of Motivation - Develop the ability to recognize any opportunity no matter how unconventional. The basis for this is courage. Courage is enacted by saying “Yes”. Yes, I will go to that gathering, Yes, I will take on that task/goal or Yes, I will lead that group. There is a kernel of enormous value in everything we experience, especially things that are frustrating, unpleasant or challenging. This is where opportunity hides and this is where the courage to seek them out is vital. Once opportunity is realized this is the time to make detailed precise goals that can be measured and a battle plan to achieve that goal.
3. Sanctum of Passion - Passion begins in the mind. Passion provides a sense of freedom when doing something that one values. It gives you a reason to keep learning and to work toward mastery. It gives purpose to life and it often has a satisfying physical aspect. This action will naturally develop physical strength but also develops mental strength as well as strength of character. It gives meaningful structure to your time. It makes the world a richer place. When you’re in pain it can actually be a refuge, a distraction, a solace. In this pursuit it’s vitally important to identify true passions, not the passions one “wishes” they had. Following false passion will ultimately lead to failure.
4. Sanctum of Will - No opportunity is seized or goal achieved without action. The plan is set but all the positive thinking and dreaming in the world is not going to get you what you want. Believing in the pseudoscience of movies like “What the Bleep Do We Know” or “The Secret” will get you no closer to a goal than the toaster on your kitchen counter. You can’t tune into the “feeling resonance” to think your way to a bigger bank balance, a nicer car, a bigger house and a better partner because the universe doesn’t care about what you want. If you want it then action is required! Physical and mental effort, pain and sacrifice.
5. Sanctum of Strength - Never sacrifice one sense to heighten another. Don’t pluck out an eye to attune hearing, self-maiming is not a path to power. In other words don’t suppress emotion or any element of life that strength is drawn from. These elements include things such as health, a support network in friends and family, the vision of what is being accomplished, and curiosity. The link between health and productivity is self-evident. Sacrifices of time will have to be made but should not be to the detriment of an inner circle. Don’t let negativity or criticism diminish your vision. Be adaptable but committed. Always consider the impossible and flesh out complex ideas.
6. Sanctum of Perseverance - Don’t let perfect get in the way of good. This is the idea that being so focused on being perfect robs us of our efforts to progress at all. The Pareto principle is a component of this concept. It states that 80% of effort only contributes to 20% of a task while the remaining 20% of effort will contribute to 80% of the task. Achieving absolute perfection is impossible and increasing effort to try and achieve perfection only results in diminishing returns and further activity becomes increasingly inefficient. So be ok with “Good” because before you realize it, it will be great!
7. Sanctum of Power - Get rid of the things in life that no longer serve. This goes for material possessions as well as physiological baggage. Fear is the driving factor that creates the belief these things are still needed. Belongings, situations, and relationships become security blankets placed strategically to ignore and avoid the pain of eliminating these useless things that are dragging down personal growth. Identify them and take on the conflict to eradicate them. This will naturally open up space to pursue true passions.
8. Sanctum of Sacrifice - Know the true value of the things that do still serve. One may consider the new Jaguar in the driveway their most important possession. But lose control of that car on a mountain road and consider how fast that car will be sacrificed to keep from sliding over a cliff. What if a shark attacked and grabbed your arm. Would you be able to cut that arm off to save your life before the shark drug you to the depths or would you just quietly accept your fate? This is the nature of sacrifice for passion. How far are you willing to go to get what you desire?
9. Sanctum of Victory – Victory and defeat are each of the same price. Defeat is not failure. Failure only comes in never having tried. In finding victory, strength and speed are required to develop greater power. Power is the ability to generate as much force as possible as quickly as possible. Greater power provides a stronger mind, stronger body, better awareness of environment and the necessary means for the desired ends. This is the primary weapon utilized to secure victory!
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 20:59:18 GMT
At any moment, man must decide, for better or for worse, what will be the monument of his existence. – Viktor Frankl
I encountered a saying the other day that said “we are the sum of our experiences”. The first thing I thought upon reading this was… Bullshit. The human brain does not work simply by reacting to the world around it using only past experience. Instead it is a proactive forward thinker that is constantly predicting and constructing its experience of the world and in this process it uses past experience only as a reference. Because of this I have control over how I perceive the world around me and can adjust that perception based on similar situations of my past. As I move forward it is important to maintain a high self-awareness because that leads to higher self-control over this predictive capability. In effect, I am the architect of my experience and the greater skill in that I have the more accurate my perception will be.
Emotions are “built-in” but feelings are not. Emotions are physical reactions to a situation that can lead to feelings. These feelings are built dynamically by me from my emotions. Because I have that control over my feelings that makes me responsible for my actions. For example, fear is an emotion, a physical reaction in the body to an external stimulus, a perceived danger or threat. Fear of the unknown is an irrational emotion which arises from anxiety. A natural instinctive reaction to this would be for me to generate feelings of dread or apprehension which leads to avoidance of the situation, event or task creating the fear. This is caused by negative thinking, basically giving in to the fear.
But I have the ability to change my behavior by changing my feelings about it. Through practice of self-awareness and taking extreme responsibility for self I can go from feelings of stress and apprehension to relaxation and confidence. This can be done by shedding the need for approval from others or Social Pathologies (The dominant moral concerns, behaviors and values attributed to particular social categories) and then rationally evaluating the worst and best things that can happen. It is this change of attitude that allows me to move forward and engage in the activity as a challenge to be embraced not a danger to avoid. I refuse to live in the dull prison of avoidance ruled by fear. I evoke the courage to step out and practice mastering presented challenges in my life until I have victory. This is how I take control of my life and live my passions.
In this process, my perception of self, as a single entity sitting in the middle of my head, is but an illusion. In reality my experience of self is not one thing but a subjective and irreducibly complex array of phenomena and algorithms all working in simultaneous conjunction. No single voice exists that is my singular self because who I perceive myself to be is actually a multifaceted machine made up of countless components and interactions both internal and external. Emotions and feelings are but two components of this intricate arrangement of processes. My psyche is the construct in which the components of this complex machine reside. These components include things like my conscious mind, which contains my persona, and my unconscious mind, which includes my shadow and my collective unconsciousness. This is where my archetypes reside.
My persona is a construct of my conscious self. It is the person I present to the world, the person I want people to believe I am and it can be divided further into a false self or a true self. The false self is an artificial persona that can be created very early in life to protect oneself from re-experiencing developmental trauma, shock and stress in close relationships. It is used by the individual to hide, even from themselves. For me it is an image of myself I have that is not real. It is the mask I put over the things about myself that I am ashamed of or don’t like or have been told are bad.
Those pieces get tucked away in my unconscious and form my Shadow self. The Shadow consists of the things I or others have deemed evil, inferior or unacceptable and I deny them in myself. It is the unknown ‘‘dark side’’ of my personality that tends to consist predominantly of the primitive, negative, socially or religiously criticized human emotions and impulses like sexual lust, power strivings, selfishness, greed, envy, anger or rage. The shadow is the ‘‘sum of all personal and collective psychic elements which, because of their incompatibility with the chosen conscious attitude, are denied expression in life.
My shadow shares the space of the unconscious with a collective unconscious in the form of archetypes. There they take on two forms. First the archetypes are evolutionary representations of collectively-inherited ideas, patterns of thought or images that are universally present in my individual psyche. These have been passed down through my ancestry lineage. There they exist as Gods and Demons, Hero’s and Villain’s in all their grandeur and monstrosity as aspects of the Self. They are integrated into my psyche and function as the secret forces behind my behavior. They influence everything I do, think, and feel often times without me even realizing it. When my instincts or biological urges are triggered these archetypes guide my behavior. The emotions I feel are the emotions of these archetypes. In this form they are a universally transcendent form and are few in number.
The second form these archetypes take on are as representations of people I have allowed into my life and my experiences. These factors combine with my universal archetypes, causing those archetypes to multiply and personify into a myriad of forms. This melding of ideas, experiences and internal makeup cause the continual evolution of who I am. Armed with the vast imagination of the human species, I am capable of creating worlds where these archetypes thrive. These become the realms of the ethereal and even the supernatural and these archetypes become the personification of how I view life.
If I have experiences and influences where I am protected and nurtured I may form a specific hero archetype and apply that to future interactions. If I have desires and experiences as a rule breaker or thoughts mischievousness I may form a particular personification of the trickster in my mind. Same goes for any archetype – victim, predator, prey, warrior and so on. All of these are applied to my feelings and actions. These archetypes are the source of the subjective reality of my inner world and as a result provide personal meaning in my life just as I continue to provide them with meaning. In this form they are broken into a vastly diverse range of personifications that I construct according to my personal experiences and they are many in number.
The idea behind understanding these parts of myself that I keep hidden in the dark places of my mind is so that I can get connected with them. When I can observe an archetype operating within me I can differentiate myself from the archetype. This differentiation is important because when I can separate myself from an archetype, it’s less likely to influence my behavior in deleterious ways. Instead I can gain control of these archetypes and use them as a powerful tool to understanding the operations of my mind. I begin to see the hidden and often opposing forces that influence my behavior. The goal in this is to bring the forces of the unconscious into balance with the conscious mind. I can then take on the shadow, the perceived worst parts of myself, because I am now armed with the tools and skill to confront it and learn how to understand and accept it, to make it agreeable. It is a process where my self is reformed by integrating elements of the conscious and unconscious mind into one entity to achieve psychic wholeness.
This is my journey into the dark. The challenge I take on to face the monster inside, gain control of it and integrate it into myself. To come to terms with the idea that these parts are not actually an evil entity existing apart from the person, nor an invading alien force. My shadow is just another archetypal feature of my psyche for which I bear full responsibility to cope with as creatively as possible. When I can integrate my shadow into my conscious working mind in a healthy way the mask of the false self falls away and my true self begins to operate. In turn my true self can take on the challenges presented externally. My fear is mastered and my passions enacted. This spurs me toward new growth, maturation, greater integration and individuation. This integration allows me access to all archetypes in my being. Not only the prey I naturally manifest but also the predator as well as the hunter, the warrior and the soldier. I use them to manifest my will as I desire, not the other way around.
I have mentioned I see my life happening in stages. In studying this I have found this can roughly equate to the struggle to defeat Nietzsche’s dragon. I originally described my phases in terms of years but I think a better way to describe them is in terms of transformations. In this regard I consider myself now a Dark Alchemist – not a transformer of metals but a transformer of self. The first stage of my life was one of preparation. It was a time when I was dependent on others and obedient to influence. I prepared myself for my time in the world by collecting as much knowledge, experience and training as possible so I could move into the next phase. These were the growing up years. The end of this phase culminated in the first transformation, that of the invasion. This transformation is an act of will.
The invasion results in the second stage of life, the Struggle. This is where I define my passions and take on the risks and challenges to pursue those passions by overcoming fear and accepting sacrifice. Those things that come before me to halt my progress are the legion. The legion will challenge my courage to question and give me the crisis of values where I have to define what it is I believe and how I will live my life. I originally defined this portion of my life in years as well but I no longer define it that way because I now believe the struggle will go on for as long as necessary regardless of my age. And when that time is over the second transformation will occur. This is the Armistice, where victory or defeat of the legion manifests.
The armistice results in one of two conditions that will exemplify the third stage. One possible condition of this third phase is one of defeat where I have succumbed to ideas like faith or cognitive biases or fear or bent to social norms in the pursuit of my passions. The other possible condition is victory where I have mastered my biases and prejudices and learned to live a life that is free of social pathologies. A freeing myself of the chains where I have a true integration of the shadow and have mastered the use of my archetypes. In either case it does not mean that my passions have ceased being important. But it does affect how they are pursued, either efficiently and purely in victory or unproductively and corruptly in defeat. I also keep in mind that either condition, victory or defeat, is never absolute. The legion will always exist and bring challenge. But how I face that challenge will change. Victory will never make me perfect, but it will make me whole – capable of always saying “I Will” while defeat will only bring “I should have”.
The process of growth through these stages also means my passions may have changed, even dramatically at times. That’s ok though, for me it’s meant to be this way. I believe even more now that finding meaning in the passions in my life is not in the goal but in the pursuit. Many times in my life I have lost. Goals, material things, relationships, loved ones, even been faced with the possibility of losing my life. It is these times that define the resolve of my will in the face of desperation, finding meaning in a time of suffering. Isn’t that all passions are? The pursuit of meaning in my life? Nietzsche once said “He that has a “why” to live for can bear almost any “how””. He is saying that life is primarily a quest for meaning. Not a meaning for life in general but a personal quest for meaning at a given moment. Each of us can only answer this question for our own lives alone.
Many experience this meaning by achieving a task, creating a work or completing a deed. Others find it in an experienced beauty in nature, culture, or connection with others. Even such motivations as revenge can be used as a means to find meaning. I think that for many Sith this is what motivates them through hardships and suffering. A yearning to complete a venture, earn a goal or return to a loved one. But all of these motivations are external and they are found in the future outside of the current situation. So what happens if an individual fails to find this kind of meaning or loses this meaning? This has been the case with me when considering the loss of my father or the loss of my college goals. I lost that meaning as well. What happens when that motivation to keep struggling no longer outweighs the suffering?
When I am no longer able to see any external meaning in my life I must search for it somewhere else. Without that clear purpose there is little reason to go on fighting. Where do I find the will to live when I have nothing to live for? It is during these times that I must look to the suffering itself for meaning. I can find meaning in life even when facing a fate that can’t be changed, such as death. What becomes important then is not the goal but the potential. The potential to turn tragedy into triumph, to turn a dilemma into an achievement. To fight the good fight, even if I am no longer able to change a situation, I am still left with the challenge to change myself. I alone am responsible to answer the question of meaning in my life and I alone am responsible for the quality of my existence. I find meaning in any situation, even a hopeless one, by facing it with courage. Accepting the challenge to suffer bravely exemplifies the fact that the meaning of life never ceases to be, but is constantly changing. It is this philosophy of finding meaning in the suffering itself that remains until the last moment of life.
For me passion does not lie in the goal. The goal matters but not as much as the pursuit. Passion lies in the pursuit. The pursuit of happiness, of connection, of meaning. The harder I work the happier I am. That is why it does not matter if I am the predator or the prey. What matters is that I am ever the hunter and the warrior and never the victim. This perfect submission allows absolute dominance over my environment.
Once more into the Fray Into the last good fight I will ever know Live and die on this day Live and die on this day
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 21:00:18 GMT
I see that allegories such as the wolf pack can be a form of false self in themselves. I have hidden behind them for a long time but I am striving now to be honest and open and clear in my writing. It has been through the integration of my predator/prey archetypes into the hunter that has allowed this. Yes a recent breakthrough. I would very much like to continue in the underworld and plan to move forward there again. I have mourned the death of my false predator self and moved on. I will be writing about that there. In this path I am aware of the danger of throwing out all social pathologies. It is a delicate balance I must walk. My goal moving forward is to built on the hunter and warrior archetypes and form my Sith path with them as a core. I have also started reading your books, Luciana. I read "The Book of Sith Magick" recently and plan to read the rest now. I found myself moved and deeply envious of the writing. A mix of poetic beauty and deeply insightful information. I want to create something like that as the culmination of my journey here as a disciple. This has become a new passion for me so thanks for that as well!
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 21:01:02 GMT
REFLECTIONS AND LOOKING FORWARD TO 2019
The Past Year HEALTH – I did not accomplish as much in this goal as I wanted to but I did make progress. I maintained weight and even dropped a little. I took some time off my hike but not to the degree I wanted. I did make great strides in healthy eating though. I’m making my own pasta and bread now but using it only in limited quantities. The rest of my diet consists of lean meats and veggies with some fruit. Nothing is frozen or processed or comes from a box and I have gotten so used to the fasting routine that I no longer notice the times between eating. My body has adjusted to get hungry only when it’s time to eat.
CAREER – I was not able to get the full set of certifications that I intended this year in my job. This was because my company has once again changed the training requirements and pushed final classes off to 2019. However I have lead my team in an extremely productive year this year. We integrated two companies into a single entity this year and in the process received some of the highest review marks possible. As a result we received the exemplary bonus on top of our regular bonuses. A prize only handed out to a single team every year and that’s always very nice!
EDUCATION – This is the area that I struggled with this most. I have spent a great deal of time trying to return to a goal that is no longer viable in my life. I have finally had to admit that to myself and abandon its pursuit. I had the wrong reasons for keeping this alive in the face of an ever shrinking chance of success due to its lessoning meaning in my life. While the passion for it still exists the need to sacrifice for it no longer does and I needed to realize this and direct this passion to something that does still provide that meaning.
PERSONAL – I have had great success in this area. Over this past year I have built for myself a proper forge and have begun creating my own works using metal and steel and leather. Just small things for now and it’s definitely been trial and error but I am learning to master my chosen craft! I finished other projects I set out to do this year, including my prototype leather harness, and I have become a Sith disciple as well!
2019 HEALTH – I have always had a passion for a healthy lifestyle. This year I have realized that the goals I set last year were really too generic. This year I’m setting more specific goals and sets of milestones to reach that goal. I’m going to continue to improve on my healthy lifestyle. This year even planning my own garden and executing that. The other goal I have this year is to Hike Longs Peak in Colorado. This is a class 3 hiking trail that is 15 miles long. What that means is that this is where things start to get fun. Class 3 hikes include sections with rugged terrain where the use of your hands is necessary due to extreme terrain, such as large rocks, steep slopes, or a combination of both. It’s a few steps below the need for technical climbing gear, but some people still use ropes for added safety. The exposure to steep slopes with little to no protection with a Class 3 means a fall could result in serious injury. In order to prepare for this I’m going to have to step up my training game. Hiking 3-4 times a week and finding ever increasingly technical hikes. I also need to do some weight training in combo with my Kickboxing cardio and I think I will also take some rope climbing classes.
CAREER – This may be an area where I will be making the biggest changes this year. Over the last year as I have considered my archetypes and the phases of my life and how our passions and priorities change as we grow I have considered what this third phase of my life will entail. What will it look like and what can I do to make it as successful and as self-sustaining as possible. Money is definitely a factor in this as well as the need to be able to provide a means for ongoing support of my lifestyle in the face of the volatile IT industry I participate in. As I age it becomes more and more likely that I, like so many others, will be surplused. Currently I am at the mercy of others when it comes to career. I want to change that.
I have a secure retirement portfolio so that is not something I need urgency in building. But until it is time to access that I do want to be productive in something I love to do as I get older. And I want complete control over that. So I am selling one of my houses in order to gain capital to begin a business of my own. My partner and I are starting what I term as an artist’s guild. She is a full time artist and we will produce and sell those wares as well as provide a common ground for other artists to come together and showcase their creations and talk marketing strategy or whatever else. This is something I want to develop slowly over time so the first steps this year will be to get the capital, build the studio and start selling our creations by partnering with local business in the area.
In order to pull this all off I am considering leaving my job and going back to contracting. That sort of lifestyle will afford me the freedom to better set my own hours and take on only the work that I want to take on at any one time to help make ends meet. In any case these ideas are in the very beginning stages and so as progress is made and plans are fleshed out further details will be revealed.
EDUCATION – I will be moving to a different state this year. In light of that having to pay out of state college tuition is not something I am prepared to do. So any plans in that regard have been put on hold. However I do believe in lifelong learning and so I have joined a blacksmithing club and plan to take classes on that this year as well as continue training in leather working. I also plan to apprentice under my uncle this year who is a master leather worker and makes his own saddles. My goal in this is to gain enough proficiency in these arts to design and create a line of leather and metal harnesses for BDSM or bedroom play.
PERSONAL – Two of my great grandfathers were blacksmiths and both my grandfathers and many of my uncles and father were also master steel and wood workers. I find it quite satisfying to be following in their footsteps. My first goal in this pursuit is to create my first works of art in the form of Bowie knives. They will include wooden or bone handles I make as well as leather scabbards. The environment I’m moving to is the perfect market for such things.
I will also be reviving my love of astronomy/astrophysics by dusting off my telescope again. For the first time in years I will be away from the city in a deeply dark sky location and I want to take advantage of that. This pursuit will fill my need for all things extraterrestrial as well as my scientific endeavors. I have had an idea in the back of my mind that I may build a small observatory someday. It’s remained there because my lifestyle was not one to permit such indulgence but things are changing and I shall see where that goes now.
Ok, last thing, I want to become a Sith Knight. I will continue my studies here and seek out every other opportunity I can find to further that pursuit. I plan on completing the underworld journey here this year and I have enrolled in FA training. I’m not sure how the “Dark Jedi” aspect of it will suite me but I will never know if I don’t try. I have also started writing lectures and want to continue in that vein. The end goal in this is to write my own book in the form of a set of lectures surrounding my version of Dark Alchemy as a Sith disciple. Part of this is something that grew out of my discussions with my best friend and she has shown an incredible interest in the path as well. So we have been trying to life that path together. I’m excited for the year to come!
|
|
|
Post by VixensVengeance on May 5, 2020 21:01:37 GMT
My time as a Dark Jedi
Just a brief note for my archives of my time as the FA. It’s been two months since I started the "Dark Side" training regime there. And today was my last day. I have left the training. The course is too regimented and narrowly focused for my tastes. It is not designed for the student to develop an independent dark side path but learn a specific path developed under the Dark Jedi Paradigm. Unfortunately that paradigm is still based in Jedi modalities of good and evil as absolutes under a moral system that does not allow for the exploration of such things outside of this concept. When I questioned certain concepts or lessons I was told that such semantics would not be discussed. It is primarily this suppression of free expression that has caused me to leave the program.
|
|